Having Sex with Joe Mauer for Dummies

There have been a myriad Opening Days in baseball this year, so it is hard to pick one to point to as THE DAY. My beloved A's played the Mariners in an opening series in Japan last week, and technically, that was Opening Day. But no one paid attention to that, and the games were at 6:00 a.m. here on the east coast, so it wasn't acceptable to drink a bunch of beer and feel totally and completely at peace with the fact that baseball was back at last. Then there was a game on Wednesday in the Marlins' new stadium, and then there was yesterday which I guess was technically Opening Day. And finally, the A's play again tonight, in a REAL Opening Day, the kind where you get drunk, talk smack and then don't have to go to work afterwards.

I say all this to show that baseball sometimes is confusing. Even technical stuff, like actual dates of games, can be rendered into complete craziness by the powers that be. Sometimes the pure beauty of the game can be lost in rules and controversy and shouting.

But the pure beauty of Joe Mauer is never lost. Even when he does a second rate blue steel for the camera and doesn't even have the gear on.

So, in honor of some kind of Opening Day somewhere, I give you the return of Products that Allow You to Have Sex with Joe Mauer.

For the sake of ease and because it is the Friday before Easter and hardly anyone here is actually in the office (except for me! because I am totally that girl!), we are going to focus on two areas of expertise in our quest to bed our favorite all-star catcher. Those areas are: tanning and big hair. How did I arrive at these two areas? Well, let's just be honest. Sun-kissed legs and humongo strands are what bring ALL the boys to the yard. Ever seen a limp haired, pasty stripper? I DIDN'T THINK SO (and if you have, you really need to stop going to the strip club at lunchtime).

Sonia Kashuk Illuminating Bronzer: This is a relatively new product on Target's shelves--I think it came out at the end of February. As a very pasty person, I have tried a lot of the bronzers out there--my favorites before arriving at this formula were Nars Laguna and these old school bronzer beads that Physician's Formula put out when I was in college. Bronzer is one of those things that is pretty hard to actually get right because it can go from 0 to Snooki in just a hot minute. Especially when you start out as pale as I am. And I have to say, this product gets it right in a whole bunch of different ways. First off, the packaging is pretty spot on. It is actually pretty, and looks a lot more expensive than $13. The clamshell is a good size to throw into a bag for when you need to head out to an airport DoubleTree in Detroit for a little hot catcher's mitt action. And it actually comes with its own little brush, not a cheapie applicator pad. I found that although the brush was small, the quality of it was pretty on par with the other Sonia Kashuk brushes I have (which is good), although not as good as my favorite Sephora brand ones. This is a great plus, again, for $13. Obviously you can use your own bronzer brush with it, but I really like the option of being able to just throw one self-contained product into my bag if I need to.

Now to the actual formula: the big difference between this and other bronzers is the illuminating factor. You can see right off the bat that this stuff is pretty shiny. I have no issue with that because I like a little sheen, especially in summer. This stuff would be killer on shoulders and cleavage, and, really, that is one of my primary uses for bronzer, even when I'm not trying to sneak a beej to a member of the Minnesota Twins. I KNOW. TOTAL SLUT. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I SNORT MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS OFF A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER. (And by Louisville Slugger, I mean "penis.") So, what I'm saying is, that's fine with me. If you don't like shine, I would not pass go and head directly to Nars Laguna camp. Aside from the shine, the other thing that sets this apart is that it is long-lasting. The internet tells me that it is engineered to go 12 hours, which Mauer loves because he wants the option to bone and then spend time snuggling while he watches old video of Josh Beckett getting LIT UP, which inevitably makes him ready to go again, and well, you don't want to be pasty when it is time for Mauer 2: Revenge of the Dong. In my experience, it definitely lasts the workday. It hasn't been hot enough yet for me to put it to the test by wearing it to the park or something like that, but I think it could hold up to some pretty strenuous activity. Sometimes at work, I get really mad at people for being stupid and I type out furious tweets that I never, ever submit. It has lasted through that.

The only thing to watch for with this stuff is that it can go from pasty to DIRRRRTY in one quick swipe. And not mid-aught's Christina DIRRRTY. Like, "Um, what do you have on your face?" dirty. For instance, the first time I put it on, I kept thinking I wasn't getting anything on the brush. I would swirl a bit and then apply, and I didn't see many little bronzer particles actually on the brush or on my face. So I applied a bit more pressure to the brush and then swiped on my forehead. And yeah. BIG DIRTY SPOT. Thankfully, I was able to spread it out and rub it in a bit and get it to the level I wanted. And really, that is another thing to note about this product: there is only one "shade," that being "Goddess." So it is definitely "buildable" color. If you are pale like me, you're going to have to be pretty careful about how much you put on. If you are darker, you could probably go hog wild. I don't know. You tan people confuse me. I think you must live such a rich and full life that I will never know, one that includes more sex with baseball players, more halter tops and a lot of glasses of white zinfandel.

So in the end, this is going to be my bronzer for the summer. I like it. And Joe Mauer approves. He's like, "Hey Girl. When you wear that bronzer, it makes me think of a perfectly seasoned mitt, all soft and supple and tan. And I'm like, you wanna be a part of this battery? And you're lookin' at me and kinda bitin' your lip which is really cute, and I just know that me and you are going to reinact that fight between Robin Ventura and Nolan Ryan, except without the punching and add a whole lot more genitalia."

got2b Powderfull I read about this product somewhere on the interwebz, and to be really honest, the place is escaping me now. But the review must have been good, because I looked at a bunch of places to find it. I finally found it in the Fourth Circle of Hell, aka, the Norton, VA Wal-Mart. I can't even remember why I was in that store to begin with. It's not like I needed to score some illegal Xanax or convince myself to never let solid food pass my lips again which would be the only reasons I can think of for going to that particular store. Hmmmm... Now I'm verklempt.

Anyway, this is not the type of prestige product you leave out on your bathroom counter so that visitors can marvel at your beauty acumen and deep pockets. I guess that using lowercase letters and interspersing numbers into words in a brand name is just not my game. This seems like something my daughter would be taken by and she's 13. But despite all that, I bought it, and I use it almost every day. And maybe I do that for the sheer novelty of it. I don't know. Because to be honest, this is a weird product. It is a little thing of powder, and you shake the powder out in your hand and then you rub your hands together and the stuff totally disappears. Like magic. It is kind of freaky the first time you do it, especially when you are left with a slight cool sensation on your hands. I'm just going to be honest: I've never been a drug user myself, but I watch a lot of Intervention. And this looks like something you'd sniff with a $20. ANYWAY, after it disappears, you rub your hands through your head and it gives your hair volume.

And yeah, it does. You can immediately see some lift to your hair, although one wonders if you wouldn't see the same thing from just fussing around with your hands, you know? It doesn't really last though. Let's just say that, sure, you could do a quick bathroom trip, fluff your hair and come out and be stripper ready for Mr. Mauer. But after you did a few things that are illegal in the state of VA, you're going to have to rely on the sheer magic of sexin' to give you your full-bodied look. This stuff will be long gone.

So why do I keep using it? Well, besides the fact that it is just weird enough to keep me interested, it is a pretty decent texturizer (the only thing I really like better for this purpose is Jonathan Silky Dirt, which, technically, I haven't used in years). I have been using it on the ends of my hair to create a kind of piecey look that I really like. And while it doesn't give me OUTRAGEOUS volume all day, I like the teensy bit that it does give better than I like the kind of stickier volume that can come from mousses or sprays. Maybe it is because I've been wearing my hair stick straight lately, and am not looking for anything super OMG big. In that case, it is a serviceable product. Worth risking life and personal hygiene by going to a Wal-Mart to get it?Maybe not. But if I think to order it on Amazon next time, I just might buy it again.

Just a note to the wise: it mentions on the package that you can shake it directly on your roots for even more crazy volume. DO NOT DO THIS. For one thing, it is really hard to get blended, and you'll look like you have THE DRUGZ in your hair. Second off, even when I got it blended in, it left my hair feeling sticky and my scalp feeling kind of gross. Avoid.

Mauer verdict? "Hey Girl. You know I like it when your hair is all big and you toss it around and do that awkward dance to Motley Crue's Girls Girls Girls. Now, let me get out of this uniform and we can read passages of The Dirt to each other and reenact the better ones while trying to not think about the idea of Vince Neil ever having had sex."

Bright Lips and Me

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. Aliens totally came and abducted me on March 9, and took me to another planet where I had to engage in lots of sick, twisted alien sex and they only brought me back when they couldn't take anymore of my incessant talking and begging for internet access! It was so, so bad, you guys. But the food was actually kind of good, so that's why I've gained four pounds. IT TOTALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT I'VE STARTED CONSIDERING "Dove Chocolate Bar and Diet Coke" A MUST FOR DRIVING HOME. Why would you say that? You just hurt my feelings.

Ok, yeah, whatever. Let's just blame my absence on it being March. March blows. Like for real--there is a proven thing about light or something and how it makes people depressed in March. I read it on the internet, so it is totally true and I could totally go out and eat seven cheeseburgers, kill a drifter, and become a raging Black Eyed Peas fangirl, and everyone would totally be like, "Whatevs! It's March!"

It is, I should say though, hella warm outside. I hope it is for you too, because that helps, you know, with the March-ness of it all. As I write this, it is a perfect 69 degrees outside, and it is 11:15 in the morning. That's awesome. I love it. I am wearing (this kind of makes me feel sexy, telling you what I'm wearing. Is it bad that I sometimes think about taking up phone sex as a career? Like seriously think about it?) a black maxi dress from The Gap that I adore and plan to buy many, many more of, a denim jacket with holes from the J.Crew outlet, a sparkly necklace, and gold gladiator sandals from Lands End Canvas. And I am so feeling the outfit. Is it seasonally appropriate? Probably not. The shoes definitely aren't. But here's the thing--you guys, my 13 year old likes these shoes. She thinks they are pretty. And they are something I picked out. So you understand that I have to wear them all the time, right? And it's a shame that my boss is gone and nobody is really around to see my finery. What is awesome is that I have spent an inordinate amount of time sitting in front of this two-way mirror that separates his office from the common area and putting on lip gloss. And that's where this post comes in.

I have never been a bright lip girl, except for a very brief period when I was around 7 or 8 and became obsessed with Mary Kay Fuchsia cream lipstick. I have always used tawny shades (the recently discontinued Buxom Dolly is a favorite). I like Clinique Black Honey, but even that, when layered a bit too heartily is a bit much for me. When I wear bright lipstick, I always feel it dates me a bit. Like I'm 29 before lipstick, and a solid 52 after. And no one wants 52. Unless they're 55.

But bright lipstick is hot this year, and well, really, it's hot all the damn time. I have always wanted to be the MAC red type girl, who just pulls out a tube of real lipstick (not gloss or anything with a wand) and puts on a creamy, matte stripe of color and rocks it. It's the part of me that will stay 13 forever and worship anything Gwen Stefani-esque. So, I tried. And really, lipstick is a cheap little trick, so you can try them and then become disgusted with yourself and have another--kind of like an order of McDonald's fries or a Kardashian.

First I bought Revlon ColorStay in Top Tomato. I had read a lot about it, and it looked familiar, like a gloss or something. And I'll tell you--people love this stuff. It has a devoted following. I really kind of hate it. First off, sure it adheres to your lips after a little bit. But for that first little while, it gets EVERYWHERE. On your teeth. Around your mouth. The teeth thing, though, is what killed me. Suddenly, I was my fifth grade teacher, Ms. McReynolds, whose husband drove a Mustang and who once gave me a 70 on a science test because someone else cheated off of my paper without my knowledge. I WOULD RATHER LOOK LIKE SADDAM HUSSEIN IS WHAT I AM SAYING. And then, it kind of flakes after that so you end up with it kind of peeling off, which I guess could have been my dry lips and the fact that it was February, but well, let's blame the product because that is easier. I tried to mitigate this by layering Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm in Rose over top of it, and really, the color of that combo was really pretty, but there was a bit of hassle there and I am not the one for hassle.

Ok, one more thing about this stuff, and I will advise you not to read this paragraph is you are a) one of my children or b) my mother in law or c) if you have a weak constitution and/or have considered voting for Santorum. The ColorStay side of this does not really hold up to pressure. I wore this on Valentine's Day. I wore it with a black dress and heels and a red cardigan, and I came home and found that my husband had cleaned our house and washed all the diapers, and I'm a woman and the smell of PineSol is a total turn on--I'm not going to front. So within about 15 seconds of me arriving home and realizing that my children were at my MIL's, I wasn't wearing the dress anymore. And maybe I was really happy about the house or whatever and a bit more enthusiastic than say, I would be at the office, but by the time I stopped to check my appearance, I had this stuff up to my hairline. I am not kidding. I looked like a teenage prostitute from a Law and Order episode with Chris Noth in it. Now, I found that really sexy and my husband did too, but yeah, COLORSTAY MY ASS.

Oh and I should mention that my mom told me I looked old in this. MY OWN MOTHER. Fail.

So then I bought L'Oreal Colour Riche Lipstick in British Red. It fit my requirement of being in a little gold tube. I had images of me pulling out this bad boy and being a grown ass woman applying her lipstick and drinking a vodka tonic and having someone murdered. Ok, not really. I drink gin. And really, at times, I like it on me. It is a good, solid, coral red. But the thing is, it's just not me. I can put it on in the morning, feel pretty good about it, and then about halfway through the day I catch a look at myself and all I see is "LIPS" which is a let down because usually I see "BOOBS." I kept justifying it, saying that I should buy some lipliner (I KNOW) or I should be better about reapplying it, or put some gloss on it. But really, it just comes down to the fact that it is not me and I don't like it that much. So I start realizing that not only am I never going to be an Olympic gymnast, now I'm not going to look like Dita von Teese either. FUCK. Pass me that caramel mocha, you guys, cause nothing really matters anymore.

And it smells like my grandmother. Which is a total potshot, but really, you should go sniff a tube.

So I kinda gave up, and thought I would make do with my last tube of Revlon Super Lustrous Lip Gloss in Cherries in the Glow, which may have been discontinued because I can't find it anymore. And I chalked bright lipstick up there with math and the Lord of the Rings novels as things that I will never, ever get to participate in. But then this little beauty walked into my life:

What you are looking at is Mary Kay NouriShine Plus Lip Gloss in Rockin' Red. It is bright. It is color saturated. It is red. And yet, it is a gloss. It is shiny without being sticky, and it makes your lips feel so, so good. I adore it. It makes me feel like my lips are a part of my face again, albeit a brighter, happier part of my face. I think, personally, it is the matte bright lip, but given a spring update. And lest you think that this is the only bright option from Mary Kay, I will also say that the Mango Tango, a very bright orange-y coral is FABULOUS. And the best part? It has no discernible scent at all. I have to say as well that it lasts a lot better than other glosses, although you will want to reapply it because it feels so nice on the lips. You guys? This is a Holy Grail type product. And I don't throw that around lightly.

The other product I have found that gives me the bright lip I want without any of the uncomfortable old lady-ness of a lipstick is Revlon Lip Butter in Lollipop. I read about it on Wardrobe Oxygen, thought I could ignore it, but found myself at Target looking at it and realized that I really had to have it if for no other reason than just to say that I went there. Yeah, bright pink. I OWNED YOU. I wore it with a black and white wrap dress that I got at Old Navy on clearance for $10.94 (!!!), and I loved the look of the bright lip with the pattern. It did not, however, jive with the coral trench coat I wore over the dress that night. So I had to go back to my tawny gloss. And that was kind of an a-ha moment for me, this moment of realizing that clothing and lip gloss can clash and totally screw with a look. OMG, WHO KNEW!?! (Everyone in the world, I would say.) I plan on wearing it a lot more this summer--have already tried it with a neon yellow striped tee that I picked up, and it felt fresh to me. Once again, the formula is rich and nice and kind of luxurious feeling.

So the moral of this whole sad, disjointed story is that a) I spend way too much money on lipgloss and b) My lips are delicate little flowers and must be babied with things like "butters" and "nourishine." I am much, much too soft for a lipstick. And too young. And will remain that way for the foreseeable future.

Stay tuned, my little chicken kievs! I have a bunch more product reviews to do and also, I, at some point, want to really start delving into my very complicated relationship with food because really, I don't understand it, and maybe having four people read about it can shed some light on it. Because the internet provides me therapeutic care as well. Obviously.

My Experience with Mary Kay

So. Last night, in the grand tradition of treatin' myself for my birthday, I had a Mary Kay consultant come to my house and show me some foundation. The whole line to get to this point was arduous and fraught with issues--I had an appointment scheduled, then my daughter got sick and I had to cancel, then I got sick, then the consultant went to Atlanta, then I went to Gatlinburg, then....FINALLY, all of the ducks got in a row to where I could do this thing. And it was about damn time. I was almost totally out of the True Match foundation I was using, having to resort to doing an odd, gyrating dance to get the last bit out of the bottle in order to do my face this past week. Being from the South however, ya'll know there was no way I was goin' out of the house with no make-up on. This is the road, surely traveled, to wearing Eeyore pajama pants to the grocery store. HELLS TO THE NO. So gyration it was.

And I have to say here just want a complete darling my consultant was during all this. I had originally contacted her to get some of the Ultimate Mascara that I had heard so much about, and once we started having issues with scheduling, she dropped the stuff off with a friend of mine, no questions asked, along with a bunch of samples and catalogs to get me started. Plus she was super friendly and made the process so easy. Love her.

Anyway, so we scheduled for my birthday. We decided she would come to my house. Now, I'll just say (in the spirit of total honesty) that this caused me a bit of anxiety, as with a toddler in the house during the day, I never quite know what I will be walking into when I return from work. It could be relatively straight and nice looking, sure. Or I could have a pile of baking soda on the floor reminiscent of a scene from Scarface. You never know. I had this fleeting thought, just for a bit, that perhaps my children and husband (who was home before me) would think, "Golly gee. I love my mom. Perhaps I'll clean the whole living room to pristine nature before she returns home from work since it is her birthday and I desire nothing more than her happiness on this, the most special of days." And, of course, I was wildly wrong. When I walked in the door, the kids had sort-of, kind-of straightened up Alice's toys in the living room, but there was a pile of shoes in the area around the door, and an even more tenuous pile of jackets/backpacks/lunchboxes laying on the living room furniture. And there sat my lovely children in the middle of it, playing on their iPods and threatening each other with bodily harm. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM.

So I ran about, hanging up jackets. I went to a little side table we have that at this point is just a repository for Diet Coke bottles and books and thought that I would dust it and get rid of the strange assortment of books. There was a copy of Sartre's No Exit on there, along with a Spanish/English dictionary, some Raymond Carver short stories, and I believe, a history book about presidents. What would the Mary Kay lady, who had been so wonderful to me, think of us upon seeing this collection of tomes? I'll tell you what I would think: PRETENTIOUS, BILINGUAL JERKS. These are the things I worry about, folks. So I reach for the Sartre, and guess what? It is fused to the table. With what, I have no idea. There is a 2 year old afoot. It could have been anything: juice, a forgotten half-chewed fruit roll-up, HUMAN NOSE DRIPPINGS. Anyway, I just left it, hoped no one would look at the table, and made some of that Harry and David cream cheese dip that you make with the relish so that my kids and husband would hopefully be pacified while I got prettied (which, if you haven't tried, is kind of like crack but creamier). By that time, the consultants had arrived. And I had realized that in my rush, I had neglected to pick up the pair of Green Lantern boy's underwear inexplicably laying on the bottom of our entertainment center. F-U-C-K.

And I hope they didn't notice that I live with a bunch of wild animals, because I enjoyed the absolute HELL out of the time they were there. First, they took off all my make-up, and I used the Mary Kay products for cleansing and microdermabrasion. Again, total honesty here: I suck at any kind of skincare routine, even though it was on my 30 b4 30 list. SUCK. Skin care routines and me are like math and me. Sure, I get why it is important. Sure, I can get by. But for some reason, there is a block in my mind about actually doing it with any consistency. But by the time that I was done, my face felt so wonderfully soft and cool and just...nice, I started wondering if Mary Kay could be my skin care rehab. Maybe? The set they sell together is $90, and although I would have loved to go all in on that, I have a few products in my bathroom (a bottle of Cetaphil that isn't even half used, for instance) that I should get through first, and well, there's that whole "feeding my kids" that I should consider as well. But really, next month I am thinking about purchasing it. Especially since I am at an advanced age now. This is something about the Mary Kay experience that I didn't think I would like (washing my face in front of strangers), but I have to say, the products were pretty daggone good and the consultants gave me some tips that I had not considered before. I recommend doing a facial with them, even if it takes you out of your comfort zone a bit.

And then we get to the main event, at least for me, which was foundation. This is where I can't gush enough. I have a horrible time with foundation--HORRIBLE. I have very pale skin, but I have some red undertones, so a foundation that matches my neck might be much too light for the rest of my face. When I was younger, I used Prescriptives foundation that I adored and that really was the only brand that could truly match my problematic skin. But I have used three different formulas, and each time, the color or kind I used was discontinued promptly after I started loving it. I have also used MAC with some degree of love, but the last bottle I bought seemed to change colors on me in the middle of the day and the salesperson I bought it from was a touch rude and the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth (especially for the $40 I paid for it). Strangely, L'Oreal True Match is my go-to foundation, at least lately, but I find myself buying two different shades and mixing them, and for the amount of time and money that takes, I could get a prestige brand that I like more.

I tried to explain this to the consultant, so she started with at least five different shades, doing stripe tests on my cheek. She put me in different light, moving around the sticky table from above (GASP) to see how each worked. Then we got the shade down to two choices and we did half my face in each. And we let it set for a while, while I looked through other make-up choices. Then, finally, the three of us made an executive decision. I ended up getting a 5 in color! A five! Usually, a make-up artist just puts me in whatever is the lightest (usually a 1 or a 0) and goes from there. However, with Mary Kay, the gradation is pretty small within a certain tone (there are three tones), just varying slightly on tint. This makes it much easier to get that perfect shade. I felt so confident with my choice. No make-up artist has EVER taken that much time with me to pick a shade and I have never felt so sure that I was getting exactly what I needed.

The formula for the make-up is pretty rad. I'll admit that it took me a bit to get used to this morning when I was putting it on, mostly because I used True Match before that. True Match is a thin foundation, more like a veil of cover more than anything. The TimeWise Luminous Wear Mary Kay foundation is much creamier. I know this isn't likely, but you put it on and feel like you are doing something good for your skin, not just covering it up. It is a bit thicker too, more of a cover than the True Match. But the finish is luminous, and when I got it all applied the way I like, I could still see my freckles. I feel like I could up it a bit too, for more of a nighttime, DONE look. I am VERY happy with it.

I tried the other make-up too. I feel pretty confident that I'll stick with Nars Orgasm for blush, since I'm nearly married to it in a non-legally binding way, so I can't tell you much about the blush. It looked nice when I put it on, I'll say that. But I am partial to Orgasm (aren't we all?). The mineral eye shadows were perfectly lovely, and I liked them much more than the mineral shadows I've used before. Application was easy and not messy which is my numero uno complaint about any mineral product. Plus, the price ($6.50 per pop) is pretty nice and allows you to customize several different looks without a whole lotta cash. My consultant gave me one of the shadows as a gift, it being my birthday and all. Once I run out of the Benefit cream shadows I am using now, I plan to try some of the other colors. I liked that one of the consultants told me she used the shade I chose (the Honey Spice) as a highlighter both above and below her eyes and on her nose. She said this looks great in photos, and I plan to utilize this trip when I attend a wedding next week.

And since this is getting long, I'll add succinctly, the Ultimate Mascara comes really close to laying-in-bed-naked-with-a-chocolate-truffle-and-Liev Schrieber-levels of awesome. Reminds me a lot of Dior Show, although the brush is smaller and dare I say it, more manageable. Love it, love the price, and this might go on my list of things I will carry with me when I kill over from the horrible disease given to me from drinking my daily bottle (or 2...) of Diet Coke.

After the consultants left, my husband and I were making dinner together and he asked me why I had had the consultant over. He said it didn't seem like something I would normally do. I admitted that it put me out of my comfort zone a bit. I can be a bit standoffish in real life, believe it or not, especially if I don't know someone that well. Initiating any kind of contact that would put a stranger in my house, touching my skin, is not like me at all. But I did like it. A lot. And really, this is the happiest I have felt with my makeup in a long time. So here I am, getting old and trying new things.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to try to figure out how my 8 year old son has not figured out that it is not ok to leave his underwear on the living room furniture.

My Top 5 Beauty Items EVAH

I know that the last few posts to this blog have been of the Debbie Downer variety. Sorry about that. Life has been busy and not altogether fun the last few weeks, but that doesn't mean that it is all bad. It does mean, however, that the only times I've actually taken the time to come out with something on the ole blog is when I'm feeling overwhelmed or tired or upset and just needed an outlet. And I will say that writing each of those posts made me feel much better. Hitting that "publish post" button is kind of like my therapy.

But you know what else makes me feel good? BEAUTY PRODUCTS. They make me feel like I'm on crack--a really nice crack that doesn't make me lose my teeth or force me into any situations where I have to consider what horrible things I would do to a Republican senator for a little scratch. I get this honestly--growing up, many nights that started off poorly would end in a trip to a quiet beauty counter in some desolate Belk's and a new lip gloss. Witness this verbatim (as best as I can remember it) conversation with my mother, who recently moved:

Mom: Well, I'll just pick it up when I go to Dillard's next week.
Me: What are you getting at Dillard's?
Mom: Well, I just haven't been to that one yet. And I need to go find it and see what it's like. For when I need it.

And yeah, I knew exactly what she meant. And for those of you who don't, you have to realize that she recently took a teaching assignment at a college that had an Ulta on the same exit. That wasn't the only reason, but it was a big draw. For when she needs it.

So without further adieu, I give you My Top 5 Beauty Items, EVAH.

1. Nars Orgasm Blush. (See an original post about it here.) Nars Orgasm is that kind of holy grail product that you find once in a lifetime. It is kind of like true love in that regard. What makes it so special? Well, the color for one. It's that "Oh look at my cheeks! ONLY BETTAH!" kind of look. There is a bit of subtle sheen that comes off fresh--not tarty or too young. Also, this stuff lasts. And lasts. And lasts. I have used this every day of my life for about 4 years (it is a very true fact that I wore it while in labor with Alice and touched it up that afternoon--a fact which many of the nurses found to be humorous) and I'm only on my second compact. That should tell you something. Lastly, this stuff looks good on everyone. My mom wears it and she is 56 and has a much different skintone than me. She even has it in The Multiple. And as we have discussed together, the color really seperates the women from the girls. It takes a strong ass woman to walk into a Sephora and say loudly and proudly, "I'll take one of your finest ORGASMS please!"

2. Moroccan Oil. (Original post here.) They say that absence makes the heart go fonder, and that may not be true in all cases. Absence sometimes makes the heart go on Facebook and rekindle with lost loves. Or it makes the heart start hitting on that cute Starbucks barrista who really understands you...and how to shake your double shot to perfection. But when it comes to some hair products, this is very true. I had Moroccan Oil and I loved it. Dreamed of it. Wanted to marry it in a very twee ceremony where we read vowels printed off the internet and take pictures of our hands making hearts. And then I ran out. It was over the summer and I was busy and had started cutting my own bangs, so I wasn't at the salon to replenish my stock. I thought about ordering more online, but didn't. Either I kept forgetting or I went over my budget for the week or I was on vacation. You know the drill. So I went without. And I'll say, my hair missed the stuff. I started getting gnarly tangles on the back-right of my head. I would pull them out, soak them with conditioner, and then they'd come back. Weird. The ends of my hair looked deader--fried even. Some of this I attributed to summer activities--FUN IN THE SUN, YO--but it was then that I realized that the major difference was the Moroccan Oil. As soon as I bought it again and remembered how to use it (start with a little on ends and work up through wet hair), life continued on and again and my hair was shiny, lustrous, and AWESOME. And the world continued spinning on its axis.

3. L'Oreal The One Sweep Eye Shadow: When I first wrote about this here, I was not as enthused with this product as perhaps I should have been. It was servicable, yes, but not something fantastic or life changing. It was pretty. Definitely pretty. However, I didn't realize just how awesome it was until I my life got a good deal more demanding after summer was over and the kids were back in school. Then it became imperative for me to get ready even faster (since I have to be at work 30 minutes earlier than I used to) and to look even prettier (new title means I'm with the public more). That's when I realized that this stuff is magic. In just a few rushed minutes, I can put on my whole face of make-up, including eye shadow, which used to be the hardest part (and the most likely for me to skip). When I'm feeling especially daring, I've found that a little liner picks the whole thing up. The most conclusive evidence that I like this stuff? Not only did I repurchase it when I ran out, I got three more colors. And for a girl that never repurchases, that just goes after the next shiny thing like some sort of terrier on meth, this is saying something.

4. MAC Mineralize Satinfinish Foundation. This is another one of those, "You don't know what you've got, till it's go-one" kind of things. I used to buy this stuff when I lived in California. I'll admit that first I bought it because I just really liked how this particular drag queen who did makeovers put it on me. It is the one time in my life that I looked in the mirror and thought, "HOLY CRAP, I LOOK STUNNING." But then I realized that even with my untalented paws applying it, it was still pretty damn nice. I have a hard time finding foundation because I am exceedingly white, and everything that I try and like gets discontinued (AHEM, PRESCRIPTIVES.), but this has been around for at least 5 years and still works like a charm. And it's funny--I fight its working. I have tried everything else since I found it--drugstore brands, other prestige brands--and always wish I had gotten this. Which brings me to a good point--if you find something you like, you're probably not going to find something that measures up. I have wasted tons of money trying to pick up something that would be just as good, or do in a pinch and failed miserably each time. So you best sack up, drive the hour and a half to go pay $40 for it, buy yourself a caramel macchiato on the way home and just forget about it.

5. Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm in Rose (See my original review here) When I bought this, I went typically ga-ga for it, as I well should have. It is awesome, the lipbalm equivalent of coming home to find Ryan Gosling in your living room holding a plate of chocolate eclairs and a declawed baby koala. To be honest, though, when I bought it, I thought of it as a typically spring/summer product--light, airy, easy to apply and cute. However, as we have inched into Fall, I've seen that this product is going to be in my purse (and in my makeup bag and in my desk drawer--yes, I have three tubes) all year round. The color is the perfect "totally my lips, but better" and I love that the formula moisturizes well while looking pretty. As someone who is a chronic lipbiter when confronted with a stressful situation, I can say that this product does a wonder on my lips, even after the worst day. It is my go-to lipcolor for work and play, and I love it, in the way that my daughter loves Dora, deserts love the rain, and Justin Bieber loves the nose candy (What? You don't think he does? Did you see that movie? That's the only excuse for that nonsense.).

In closing, I will point out that combined together, these products not only allow you to have sex with Joe Mauer, they allow you to take him on an apple picking excursion where you have a charming photo shoot with a pile of leaves, wear cardigans from Anthropologie, and drink pumpkin spice lattes from an independant coffee house, possibly out of those big mugs that are more like bowls and that you bought a lot of when you were in college, thinking you would make your own coffee, and then you were like, "Fuck this noise. I'm just going to eat an entire box of cereal out of this crap and watch E! until I puke." And then, you know, you'll have sex and fall asleep in a lovely pile on a bed with sheets that he lovingly knitted together for you out of old Twins t-shirts, using a pattern that he pinned on Pinterest just last week. It's like that, yo.

So, if you need me, I'll be the girl in the cardigan, waiting for the Twins' no good, very bad season to end and patiently reapplying her lipbalm.

My Spring Shopping List: Beauty

So here you have it--the much-awaited follow up to "My Spring Shopping List: Fashion." Try not to wet yourself out of sheer excitement. And if you do, for the love of God, don't tie a hoodie around your waist and pretend that it didn't happen. We will all know anyway.

1. Clinique Chubby Stick in Chunky Cherry. I originally wanted this item back in February after seeing it in (you guessed it!) Real Simple. Trouble is, everybody else wanted it too. I walked up to the Clinique counter at a local mall one day and asked to purchase it, and the lady looked at me, I shit you not, like I was in flames. She goes, "Honey, now we don't have any of those. We've had a real run on em. Did you not know how popular they are?" And I had to say that, no, I didn't know because really, I thought I was the only idiotic person who saw something in a magazine and said, "I WANTZ IT NOWWWWW!" Not to be swayed, I called two other malls the next Monday at work to see if they had it. Nope. One mall said they had it in Richer Raisin, but that.would.not.work. I WANT CHUNKY CHERRY AND I WANT IT NOW. (And by the way, seeing it typed out like that, I realize that Chunky Cherry sounds like a fetish film that I'd rather not imagine.) So I put it off. And then one day, I remembered it, put it on my list, and the rest you know because you read this blog. I woke up with a burning desire the next day to purchase it, took my kids to a nearby pizza restaurant under the auspices of "Moms Eat Free Monday's" and then took a quick trip to the lovely and exotic Belk store and purchased my large adult crayon. And I'm not disappointed. This is a great Spring lipcolor because I get the glory of wearing red lipstick, but without the hassles of having to line or to find a red that matches my skintone. The color is so light that it just doesn't matter. That said, the red really does do what I want it to which is to liven up all the whites and neutrals that I seem to be moving to this season. And for those of you who are into having lips that don't feel like sandpaper, it is moisturizing and silky. A big WIN here, I'd say. And I can understand the hype.


2. Conair You Curl. When I first got bangs cut, I really wanted to rock them with loose waves. So I bought a curling iron (let's disregard the fact that up until that point, yes, I was a woman, born and raised and currently living in the South who did not own a curling iron). And I used it a couple of times. But I never really got the look I wanted. I always managed to get a few curls that were...kinkier than usual. And I got a few curls that were like freaking Robert Mapplethorpe photos (i.e., VERY KINKY--don't google image search that on your work computer if you are unsure as to what I just referenced). I blamed it all on the clamp. When really, I could just have easily blamed it all on my hair skillz which are nonexistent. But the curling iron seemed like a good place to place blame, so that's where it went. And I basically quit curling my hair because I like it straight and because I also acquired another fun beauty tool that I'll write about some other time (gotta give you a reason to come back!!!). But then, I saw some bloggers who had purchased the Conair You Curl, which did not have a clamp, and I felt rather vindicated that someone else had a clamp issue and that the good folks at Conair had seen fit to graces us with a clampless iron. And then I imagined how much I thought the glossy look and the wavy hair would really complete the Spring look I was going after. So, of course, I went out and bought it. The package contains the iron (of course), but also this wacky little glove that only has three fingers in it. I think it is worthless--I have very few nerve endings in my hands and fingers (or at least, I must, because I can basically withstand inhuman amounts of heat without realizing it), so I can curl sans protection. My husband thinks the glove is AWESOME. He puts it on and makes really, really bad jokes. We have seen him do the moonwalk in the glove--"Michael Jackson after a shop class accident!". He has tried to use it in the kitchen to comic effect, mostly while preparing bacon. And he has made many, many jokes about the faltering economy and the need to start paying for clothing items based on what actually you want it to clothe. ANYWAY, glove aside, I like the tool, and it is a good deal easier than a regular clamped curling iron. HOWEVER, if you have zero skillz like moi, you need to allow some time to really get to know the thing. And I haven't had that yet. I've used it maybe two or three times. I'm getting better, I'd say, but I'm still not creating perfect wavy loveliness, you know? The most important thing to note is that I probably do not have the patience for it. I try to section off my hair with clips so that I can curl individual sections, but I get so impatient that I end up really half-assing the last bits of hair. But that's me. And surely you're a better person. So you could really like it. I will say this: it heats up quickly, it does its job (if you have the skillz), and it is a lot easier to handle than a regular iron. And when I have used it, I have gotten compliments on my hair, even the first time when I screwed up a bit and ended up brushing the curls out a bit and finger combing it. So kudos on that. And Matt says it looks like a sex toy. So that's a plus too I guess!


3. Olay Pro X Scrubber-Thingie (Clarisonic Rip Off). I'll just be honest and say I haven't purchased this yet. I am basically putting it on here because I want to see if others have and what they think. Here's the dealio: I really want a Clarisonic--it's been on my wish list for over a year now. In theory. But here's what would happen if I spent the $100 or so and bought one: I would love it for about a week. I would write a blog entry about how awesome it is. Then my usage would slowly taper off and I would forget about it. And it would lay on my bathroom counter and taunt me. And someday, when Matt finds out how much I spent on it, he would add it to the list of things that I've spent cash on and then forgot about a week later. Or at least, that's what I think I'd do. SO, I kinda want to purchase the Olay version for $30, see how it works and how I like it, gauge how much I would use it, and then decide if it is worth ponying up for the Clarisonic or sticking with the Olay version or just forgetting the whole thing and using a washcloth like the rest of the plebians. I'm pretty sure I will pick it up next time I'm at Target, just based on some reviews I've read on the blogosphere, but I'm still soliciting info on it. So let me know!

That's really all I have right now, which is good for my wallet I guess. In Spring/Summer, I tend not to put as much emphasis on make-up, although it is fun to play with sparkly stuff. So I'll probably be posting some on that. Which I realize makes me sound like a large dog that gets distracted by the shiniest toy. But if the shoe fits, rock the hell out of it. That's what I always say!

RIP Nars Orgasm Blush

Today, I lay to rest a companion that I have had since 2007. Yup, the blush has been with me for nearly four years. It has survived two trips across the country, the birth of a child (just barely--Sam picked it up and for some inexplicable reason threw it across the hospital room the day after Alice's birth. And yes, you should know that I was wearing this blush while in labor and the day afterward), several trips to beaches both on the Atlantic and Pacific coasts, and one scary ass night in Elko, Oklahoma when I thought we had stumbled upon the hotel from the movie Vacancy and I was going to have to stay up all night and defend myself and my sleeping husband, armed with only a mascara wand and a set of keys. (Yes, that really happened.)

I should note that if I were on a desert island, this would be one of the things that I would want with me, along with my Frye boots and my favorite premium writing pads and gel pens that I buy in bulk at Office Depot for making lists. I love this stuff. And yes, I already have the replacement blush.

Seeing it makes me think of all the changes in my life since I bought it. Back then, I was a recent college grad, trying to make sense of the working world and what "business casual" meant. I was also trying to make that very, very rough transition from college sweatshirts and corduroys to "polished." This blush is a symbol of that transition for me. When I bought it, I thought it was very, very expensive, but I laid the money down with hopes that it would help me look older and more refined. But now I look at it, and am amazed at what a good deal it is. $27 for 4 years worth of perfect cheeks? Holy shit! $27 is 9 lattes, ya'll. I can drink 9 lattes in the span of two weeks. And I have had this for 4 YEARS. So, it is a fantastic deal, and yes, it did its job. Because of buying this blush (and a few other products), I learned what it means to treat my appearance as an asset and a source of pride.

If you haven't tried Nars blush yet, I encourage you to do so. The color is highly pigmented, so you don't need a lot, and the shades are really fantastic looking. I also own "Albatross" which is a kind of golden glimmer looking powder, and I use their bronzer in "Laguna" during the summer months. I have had the bronzer for two years now and it basically looks new. It is definitely worth however much you have to lay down for it.

Do you have any go-to, "desert island" products that you absolutely refuse to live without? Please share!