Having Sex with Joe Mauer for Dummies

There have been a myriad Opening Days in baseball this year, so it is hard to pick one to point to as THE DAY. My beloved A's played the Mariners in an opening series in Japan last week, and technically, that was Opening Day. But no one paid attention to that, and the games were at 6:00 a.m. here on the east coast, so it wasn't acceptable to drink a bunch of beer and feel totally and completely at peace with the fact that baseball was back at last. Then there was a game on Wednesday in the Marlins' new stadium, and then there was yesterday which I guess was technically Opening Day. And finally, the A's play again tonight, in a REAL Opening Day, the kind where you get drunk, talk smack and then don't have to go to work afterwards.

I say all this to show that baseball sometimes is confusing. Even technical stuff, like actual dates of games, can be rendered into complete craziness by the powers that be. Sometimes the pure beauty of the game can be lost in rules and controversy and shouting.

But the pure beauty of Joe Mauer is never lost. Even when he does a second rate blue steel for the camera and doesn't even have the gear on.

So, in honor of some kind of Opening Day somewhere, I give you the return of Products that Allow You to Have Sex with Joe Mauer.

For the sake of ease and because it is the Friday before Easter and hardly anyone here is actually in the office (except for me! because I am totally that girl!), we are going to focus on two areas of expertise in our quest to bed our favorite all-star catcher. Those areas are: tanning and big hair. How did I arrive at these two areas? Well, let's just be honest. Sun-kissed legs and humongo strands are what bring ALL the boys to the yard. Ever seen a limp haired, pasty stripper? I DIDN'T THINK SO (and if you have, you really need to stop going to the strip club at lunchtime).

Sonia Kashuk Illuminating Bronzer: This is a relatively new product on Target's shelves--I think it came out at the end of February. As a very pasty person, I have tried a lot of the bronzers out there--my favorites before arriving at this formula were Nars Laguna and these old school bronzer beads that Physician's Formula put out when I was in college. Bronzer is one of those things that is pretty hard to actually get right because it can go from 0 to Snooki in just a hot minute. Especially when you start out as pale as I am. And I have to say, this product gets it right in a whole bunch of different ways. First off, the packaging is pretty spot on. It is actually pretty, and looks a lot more expensive than $13. The clamshell is a good size to throw into a bag for when you need to head out to an airport DoubleTree in Detroit for a little hot catcher's mitt action. And it actually comes with its own little brush, not a cheapie applicator pad. I found that although the brush was small, the quality of it was pretty on par with the other Sonia Kashuk brushes I have (which is good), although not as good as my favorite Sephora brand ones. This is a great plus, again, for $13. Obviously you can use your own bronzer brush with it, but I really like the option of being able to just throw one self-contained product into my bag if I need to.

Now to the actual formula: the big difference between this and other bronzers is the illuminating factor. You can see right off the bat that this stuff is pretty shiny. I have no issue with that because I like a little sheen, especially in summer. This stuff would be killer on shoulders and cleavage, and, really, that is one of my primary uses for bronzer, even when I'm not trying to sneak a beej to a member of the Minnesota Twins. I KNOW. TOTAL SLUT. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW I SNORT MY BIRTH CONTROL PILLS OFF A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER. (And by Louisville Slugger, I mean "penis.") So, what I'm saying is, that's fine with me. If you don't like shine, I would not pass go and head directly to Nars Laguna camp. Aside from the shine, the other thing that sets this apart is that it is long-lasting. The internet tells me that it is engineered to go 12 hours, which Mauer loves because he wants the option to bone and then spend time snuggling while he watches old video of Josh Beckett getting LIT UP, which inevitably makes him ready to go again, and well, you don't want to be pasty when it is time for Mauer 2: Revenge of the Dong. In my experience, it definitely lasts the workday. It hasn't been hot enough yet for me to put it to the test by wearing it to the park or something like that, but I think it could hold up to some pretty strenuous activity. Sometimes at work, I get really mad at people for being stupid and I type out furious tweets that I never, ever submit. It has lasted through that.

The only thing to watch for with this stuff is that it can go from pasty to DIRRRRTY in one quick swipe. And not mid-aught's Christina DIRRRTY. Like, "Um, what do you have on your face?" dirty. For instance, the first time I put it on, I kept thinking I wasn't getting anything on the brush. I would swirl a bit and then apply, and I didn't see many little bronzer particles actually on the brush or on my face. So I applied a bit more pressure to the brush and then swiped on my forehead. And yeah. BIG DIRTY SPOT. Thankfully, I was able to spread it out and rub it in a bit and get it to the level I wanted. And really, that is another thing to note about this product: there is only one "shade," that being "Goddess." So it is definitely "buildable" color. If you are pale like me, you're going to have to be pretty careful about how much you put on. If you are darker, you could probably go hog wild. I don't know. You tan people confuse me. I think you must live such a rich and full life that I will never know, one that includes more sex with baseball players, more halter tops and a lot of glasses of white zinfandel.

So in the end, this is going to be my bronzer for the summer. I like it. And Joe Mauer approves. He's like, "Hey Girl. When you wear that bronzer, it makes me think of a perfectly seasoned mitt, all soft and supple and tan. And I'm like, you wanna be a part of this battery? And you're lookin' at me and kinda bitin' your lip which is really cute, and I just know that me and you are going to reinact that fight between Robin Ventura and Nolan Ryan, except without the punching and add a whole lot more genitalia."

got2b Powderfull I read about this product somewhere on the interwebz, and to be really honest, the place is escaping me now. But the review must have been good, because I looked at a bunch of places to find it. I finally found it in the Fourth Circle of Hell, aka, the Norton, VA Wal-Mart. I can't even remember why I was in that store to begin with. It's not like I needed to score some illegal Xanax or convince myself to never let solid food pass my lips again which would be the only reasons I can think of for going to that particular store. Hmmmm... Now I'm verklempt.

Anyway, this is not the type of prestige product you leave out on your bathroom counter so that visitors can marvel at your beauty acumen and deep pockets. I guess that using lowercase letters and interspersing numbers into words in a brand name is just not my game. This seems like something my daughter would be taken by and she's 13. But despite all that, I bought it, and I use it almost every day. And maybe I do that for the sheer novelty of it. I don't know. Because to be honest, this is a weird product. It is a little thing of powder, and you shake the powder out in your hand and then you rub your hands together and the stuff totally disappears. Like magic. It is kind of freaky the first time you do it, especially when you are left with a slight cool sensation on your hands. I'm just going to be honest: I've never been a drug user myself, but I watch a lot of Intervention. And this looks like something you'd sniff with a $20. ANYWAY, after it disappears, you rub your hands through your head and it gives your hair volume.

And yeah, it does. You can immediately see some lift to your hair, although one wonders if you wouldn't see the same thing from just fussing around with your hands, you know? It doesn't really last though. Let's just say that, sure, you could do a quick bathroom trip, fluff your hair and come out and be stripper ready for Mr. Mauer. But after you did a few things that are illegal in the state of VA, you're going to have to rely on the sheer magic of sexin' to give you your full-bodied look. This stuff will be long gone.

So why do I keep using it? Well, besides the fact that it is just weird enough to keep me interested, it is a pretty decent texturizer (the only thing I really like better for this purpose is Jonathan Silky Dirt, which, technically, I haven't used in years). I have been using it on the ends of my hair to create a kind of piecey look that I really like. And while it doesn't give me OUTRAGEOUS volume all day, I like the teensy bit that it does give better than I like the kind of stickier volume that can come from mousses or sprays. Maybe it is because I've been wearing my hair stick straight lately, and am not looking for anything super OMG big. In that case, it is a serviceable product. Worth risking life and personal hygiene by going to a Wal-Mart to get it?Maybe not. But if I think to order it on Amazon next time, I just might buy it again.

Just a note to the wise: it mentions on the package that you can shake it directly on your roots for even more crazy volume. DO NOT DO THIS. For one thing, it is really hard to get blended, and you'll look like you have THE DRUGZ in your hair. Second off, even when I got it blended in, it left my hair feeling sticky and my scalp feeling kind of gross. Avoid.

Mauer verdict? "Hey Girl. You know I like it when your hair is all big and you toss it around and do that awkward dance to Motley Crue's Girls Girls Girls. Now, let me get out of this uniform and we can read passages of The Dirt to each other and reenact the better ones while trying to not think about the idea of Vince Neil ever having had sex."