Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Two Make-Up Product Reviews that Allow You to Have Sex with Joe Mauer

Seems there are a lot of Joe Mauer fans out there, as my Google Analytics would attest. So I'm catering to that demographic. From now on, I will only provide insight into how you (YES, YOU!) can have sex with Joe Mauer.

He's looking at you, thinking, "Hey girl. You want some pearly skin? Pretty little easy to do eyes? Hmmm... Yeah, girl, I want you to have that. So we can be together. Now, talk to me, girl. Talk to me about how you do your eyeliner. Because that's sexy to me. Then I'll cook you some blackened salmon that I caught this morning and we'll call some pitches. And by "call some pitches," I mean "make sweet love." I'll leave the gear on if you want."

And since Joe Mauer wants it, here you go!

L'Oreal The One Sweep Eye Shadow (in Natural Brown)--I bought this, I'm not gonna lie, because it was featured in Real Simple magazine. I pretty much will buy just about anything found on the pages of Real Simple. For real. I really like the magazine because it is clean and just damn pleasant to look at. And well, I'm very gullible. And a bit of a spender. Basically, I should never be allowed out of my home with more than $.53 in my pocket. Anyway, the magazine says you can do your eyes "in a blink" because you apply all three colors at once. And I need that in my life, you know? I mean, sure, I don't spend that much time on my eyes as it is. But I could shorten my make-up routine by about 45 seconds. And that 45 seconds is time that I could use laying on my couch and pondering the meaning of life. Or lamenting the lack of a decent third baseman the A's could have picked up this past off-season. You know, important stuff. So, in the cart it goes!

So I bring it home, and I'm trying to figure it out. Yes, you just sweep the thing over the eyeshadow. I see that. And you flip it over to do the other eye. But which way do you have to hold it? Is it this way for this eye or that way? Or upside down? See, I don't have a Ph.D. in astrophysics, so this was hard for me. Or, rather, I guess I should say, I don't have a lick of common sense, so this was painful for my brain. I'm standing there, staring at the sponge in my underwear, and Matt walks in to the bathroom. Cue scene:

Matt: What are you doing?

Me: Shut up. I'm trying to figure out how to put my eyeshadow on. It's hard!

Matt: HA! That's what she said.

(pause--he's standing in front of the toilet, motionless)

Me: What are you doing?

Matt: Shut up. I'm trying to figure out how to pee.

Anyway, I got it on. And I'll tell you, it is not flawless. I mean, I don't know what anyone expects when they swipe on ready-shadow (which is my new name for it), but you're not going to have a perfect little mosaic terrine of stripes of eyeshadow. It is more of an, let's say, artful smudge. I dressed it up with a bit of Clinique Eyeliner. And you know, I like the look. It is fast, I guess. I guess though, I don't see the three colors really well just staring at it on my eyes. I will say that the color is nice, and if you were a real 4.0 type student, you could just use a brush and apply them one by one in a more artful manner. But the 45 seconds you're wasting! My God! Won't someone think of the children!

One of my coworkers commented me on my eye make-up the other day, though, while I was wearing it. So Joe Mauer approves.

Note: Joe Mauer would never make fun of your inability to put on your eye make up and to figure out something that was seriously hard.

Benefit Girl Meets Pearl: I have actually had this for a long time. In fact, I ordered it when I ordered the Patti Smith book I wrote about the other day. Anyway, I wanted to touch on it because Joe Mauer would totally approve of this shit. Mauer aside, I'll tell you that I'm very partial to Benefit products. I like their packaging, and I love their stores. Plus, I don't think I've ever had a product of theirs that I didn't really like (although I will admit that Bad Gal isn't my favorite mascara, but it is not horrible). Also, I feel like their stuff lasts. Maybe not as much as Nars blush (and bronzer) but pretty damn close. I have had the same bottle of High Beam for about 4 years now, and it is still ticking away. Granted, I don't use it as often as Nars Orgasm, but it is a great product to have for spotlighting, especially at night. Girl Meets Pearl comes in a tick up container, not so unlike That Gal, which is Benefit's primer (and which I also use as a light sumthin'-sumthin' on days when I don't wear foundation). This causes some problems for little ole dumb me who sometimes can't remember which way to turn it to get more. SHUT UP. DON'T TELL ME THAT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THERE.

Anyway, once you figure that out, this stuff is AH-MAZING. Like Joe Mauer homerun trot good. Why? Because it is subtle. Like the subtle masculinity of a man who lives in the wilds of Minnesota. Best part? You can rock this during the day, ya'll. In fact, I'm wearing it right now. It gives just a hint of light, a kind of "lit from within, I eat a lot of veggies and never ever have I touched a piece of Smore's Pizza from Mr. Gatti's" glow. Plus, it smells good. Which is not something I usually notice/care about. And the smell fades, of course. But it is a little treat to put it on.

A note on how I use it: I usually dab it directly on my cheekbones and smear outwards. You could really do anything with it though.

So go out and buy these, and Joe Mauer will want to have sex to you. He will come to your house, next time he is town, carrying a single red rose. He will serenade you with "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You" and it will make you cry because it will make you think of that time that Kelly broke up with Zack. But before one tear falls, he will catch it and remind you that he came to see your eye make-up, so you shouldn't blow it now. And then, you guys will...well, you know. So make-up! Go get it!

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