Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Let's Talk Underwear

Remember that time that I told you that I bought some new bras? And how awesome it was? Here is where I tell you every last detail about it and make you want to go buy some new bras too. Even if you are a man. The force is strong with me.

So I had this one bra to wear to work. One bra. I know, I know. Here's the thing. I hate (well, hated, up until this point) to buy bras. Because buying bras meant that I went to Victoria's Secret and bought one overpriced bra and had my sense of smell obliterated by lots and lots of cheap body lotions that smell of Dina Lohan. And desperation. Going to VS now is slightly better than it used to be--when I was a size 14, no one would even LOOK my way in that store, lest they catch the fat disease. Now that I'm smaller, they are way too nice about the whole thing, constantly trying to get me to buy things that I have no desire to even see--the Lohanesque lotions, a demi racerback bra (HELLO? My boobs are huge and that goes up to a C Cup. Someone needs to go back to VS University.), a pair of sweatpants with writing on the butt. Knowing this was my fate, I made do with my one VS bra--handwashing after 2-3 wears and line drying at night, changing into a comfy nursing bra as soon as I walked in the door after work. I made do because I could not fathom driving an hour to walk in to that store and drop another $50 on another one.

Oh, and did I mention that the strap broke on the bra? Yeah. It is a convertible bra, and somehow the strap broke on one side, so I've been wearing it as a one shouldered bra. For a while now. And I have never owned a one shouldered top. I'll just let you mull that one over for a few minutes.

On Saturday, we finished at the parade and had a couple of hours before the lights started at the speedway. So my mom asked me if I wanted to run to the mall since she could watch the kids and let me go shopping untethered (which is something that I only dream about). At first, I said sure, that I wanted to go to the farther away mall where there is a Gap and get something for 40% off. A sweater, a pair of pants...nothing I really needed, I just wanted to get something cheap. When we thought about the time it was going to take to get over there (and Sam heard the word "Gap" and said he refused to allow such an abomination), we reconsidered. So I said, "Well, maybe you could run me to the mall and I'll buy a bra." Grumble, sigh, nashing of teeth. My mom was like, "Oh, you need bras?" And I said, "Well, yeah...." and I tell her the whole story about what I was currently wearing.

She hit the brakes and said, "I raised you better than that."

And she did. I suddenly realized how embarassing the whole thing is. I told her about not wanting to go to VS, and she clucked her tongue and dropped me off at the Belk entrance. Belk, for those of you not in the south, is like Macy's. With a Southern flair, I would say. So I go in, just knowing that I won't find anything.

I was desperately, sadly wrong. Once inside, I realized that all bras were on sale for $18 that day. $18!!! That is crazy talk, ya'll. I was going about my business, looking at the selection, when this nice lady of a certain age walked over to me and asked if she could help. I told her that I was just looking for bras--just that. And she nods one time and leaves and returns with about 5 different styles IN MY SIZE. Homegirl just looked at me, ya'll. Didn't ask what size I am, NOTHING. I'm pretty sure that this is a super power, and I have just discovered the person who will save the world from itself. She sent me to the dressing room without saying a word.

And they fit. Amazingly well, actually. They actually do, you know, what bras should do. And I think they make me look smaller. And the comfort level is amazing. Most of the bras that I purchased were different styles from Bali, which I think I vaguely remember wearing when I was in high school (back when I was a 32C--those were the days). One of them is actually, honest to goodness, gorgeous, like a pretty date night bra that actually does its job (I haven't been able to find it on the website, and the SA said she thought it was a holiday exclusive--I might go back and buy 2-67 more). The funny thing is, though, I didn't find a t-shirt bra, so I was looking at one made by the same company. The SA saw me out of the corner of her eye, and goes, "That just won't work for you." Ok then. Putting it down. Walking away.

I also bought this. Shapewear? Who knew? I am one of those rare beings who never got on the Spanx bandwagon, and so the whole thing is new to me. I really like this particular little tank though, because it just looks like a regular camisole. And, because it is just a cami, you totally avoid that "sausage skin" look. You know how some shapewear seems to make women look cylindrical? Yeah, none of that there. It actually just makes my clothes seem to hang better. Nothing too drastic. And very comfortable, which is, you know, a big plus with me.

I should also post and say that Big Al got some new undies too this weekend--I ordered her two FuzziBunz Perfect Size Diapers in Medium. And I love them! These are the first sized diapers we have gotten--my dad got me a BG set of 12 last year for Christmas, and I have a set of six that I bought, plus assorted other dipes that we have picked up through DS and the like, but they are all one-size. I am amazed at how trim the FB's are. Allie was able to wear her leggings without so much of a comment about her big old butt. I think she was happy about that. Al would like me to remind you that Kim Kardashian she is not.

The moral of this long, dramatic story is this: Skip Victoria and her Secret, and find you some nice bras. Preferably from a middle aged Southern woman who will tell you EXACTLY what you need and need not buy. You will thank me later.


  1. I desperately need new bras, too. Thanks for the reminder. :-)

  2. I read your entire post.
    I am still choking at the Dina Lohan scent. Bawaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahaha
    I am also still wondering on your one shoulder design....
    THat being said, I have been into VS a MILLION times and never once purchased a bra from them.
    No matter how expensive and Heidi Klumish I just feel they are cheap and they do not offer any support. period. Plus they are expensive.
    I buy Vanity Fair, Bali, Olga, Wonderbra and lately have been tempted to try TRIUMPH.. I need a strapless bra that works, ask your SA.. maybe she can point out a brand that will actually keep them looking up ?