I have a crush on Johnny Cash and other stuff you did not need to know.

I am alone in my office today. It is awesome. It is not that I dislike the people I work with totally--I don't. They are, for the most part, easy to work with and friendly. But there is something freeing about being in one's office and being able to listen to music all day. And getting work done without the pile getting any higher. And doing those things that need to be done, like packing files away and getting keys made and drinking vast quantities of Diet Coke while making files for things. Organization can be oppressive sometimes. When one is alone, it is just right.

I knew that I'd probably have time to write a blog post today so I thought briefly about what to tackle. I have a post that is just dying to be finished about moms and their inability to give truthful advice to each other. And another about women and self-deprecation. Those are there for another day, though. Today, I just feel like typing out things that are, for lack of a better term, random. Things that are of no particular interest to anyone really.

My Top 6 Favorite Songs

1. Suffragette City by David Bowie. When I was in college and made coffee for a living, I always worked the closing shift. My favoritest manager ever would turn on music for us as we did the mopping up and putting away. He would play Suffragette City for me just so he could hear me yell "WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM!!!!" And I did it, no matter how tired I was, and yes, it always made me feel 700 times better.

2. Howling for You by The Black Keys. I adore this song. It is my "getting ready to go somewhere" song. I also have a black skirt that I call my Howling for You skirt. I don't know why. It just seems appropriate.

3. Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen. Thematically, this song fits my station in life better than any other (except for maybe Beg Steal or Borrow by Ray LaMontagne).

4. Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones.

5. Soma by the Smashing Pumpkins. This was my favorite song when I was my daughter's age. She is enamored with Cobra Starship right now. I wonder if she will keep a place in her heart for them when she is my age.

6. Because the Night by Patti Smith. Because I can sing it like nobody's business.

And a near tie--Better Man by Pearl Jam. I have a whole teenage pseudo-romantic story to go along with this one, but that's for another day. Also, Knockin' on Heaven's Door by Bob Dylan.

I am thinking of applying to get my MFA next year. I don't really know. I am definitely considering it. And this is officially the first time I've admitted that to anyone. WHEW. In order to do that, I need to work on my (sad, whiny) novel. And in order to do that, I need to get someone to read it for me. I am thinking of asking my high school English teacher, which seems a bit sad. I also thought of this professor I had in college, but I can't figure out if I want to ask him because I think he would be a good source for help on my writing or because I think he is hot.

If I don't write the great American novel (or at the least, a serviceable novel that someone can make a really crappy movie adaptation of), I think I am going to open a pie shop. Or start a Patti Smith cover band.

I do not know how to ride a bike. Another fact about me that few people know. I had a bike as a kid, but I never really learned--the best I could do was fly down the hill behind our house on it (which technically, a blind paraplegic monkey could do). I have decided I really want to learn. I have consulted a couple of bike riders about this, and the overwhelming consensus is that yes, I can learn, but that it is going to hurt a lot more when I fall now that I am an old lady. But I think I am determined (I think....) and I think I am going to go through with it. I have located an old bike of my mom's to learn on. Now, I don't think I am going to be any great bike rider. But at least I will know how. And I can, you know, if called to by a deranged serial killer who tells me that he will disembowel me unless I can bike in a circle while singing the Marseillaise with peanut butter in my mouth, do what needs to be done.

I have never liked potato chips. I mean, they're ok, and I'll eat them at a party or with some beer or something. I like the baked ones ok. BUT. I have become obsessed with Kashi pita chips. I really need to stop with the pita chips. But they are so good! So amazingly good. And because they are from Kashi, I can lie to myself and say that they are good for me. Yesterday, I really wanted some, so I went to Wal-Mart. And they didn't have them! God, I hate Wal-Mart. I hate Wal-Mart more than I hate beets.

I have lost the will to watch Law and Order: SVU since Stabler left. A pour out for my homie.

Sometimes I feel like I am a girl without a country.

OOTD: Does this work?

So it is the quiet before the storm in my office. Our big meeting starts at 11:30, but everything has been done--folders stuffed and artfully arranged on the table, lunch reservations made, offices cleaned with every thing filed and ready. I am just sitting here, calmly drinking from my klean kanteen and waiting on the swarm of higher ups to come in and scrutinize the numbers for the past 6 years (which yes, I had nothing to do with, since I started working here last November). Oh well. That's higher education for you...what are you gonna do?

Yesterday, I posted a question to Allie at Wardrobe Oxygen which is where I go to ask all questions both fashion and life related. Why is the sky blue? Does this skirt match these heels? Where do babies come from? All fair game, since Allie basically taught me how to dress when I had just graduated from college and thus MADE MY LIFE. I asked her if she would think I was rushing the season a bit if I went bare legged today. On February 18th. The whole idea seems ludicrous, since it should not be 72 degrees on February 18th. But it is, so I asked.

She said that it was ok, since I am wearing all black everywhere else. And, she didn't say this, but I want to add that if I had tried to put tights on, my legs would have broken out in huge, scaly hives because winter is really grating on me right now, and I want it to be spring because it is acting like spring and if winter sneaks back on us, it is going to be twice as hard as it was before to muster the strength to live.

So, what say you, venerable readers? How do you deal with unseasonable weather? Dress for the temp, no matter the month? Or the month, no matter the temp? It should be noted that I am also rocking my coral trench, which I think, looks amazing with my turquoise-y necklace.

Jersey turtleneck--Merona for Target (such a great purchase this was--great quality, inky color, perfect weight...and $10)
Pencil skirt--J. Crew Factory
Turquoise bib necklace (this is a great piece, but all of the pictures I took of it made me look goofy)--Gap Outlet
Black croco peep toes--BCBG (old!)
Silver hoops--Sam got them for me for Christmas

Another question--does anyone else have this issue where their hair looks one way in their bathroom, and quiet another once they arrive at work? I think the air in here is really dry or something, but my hair was pin straight and silky at home, and then I get here and it is suddenly fluffier, with a bit of a wave. Still feels nice, and is not horrible, but definitely different than at the house. One of my coworkers says that our building is a "sick" building because people get a lot of headaches in here. I have always said it is not the building, but rather the people (har har), but maybe there is something to it....

I hope everyone is having a great Friday and is less stressed than I am! Friday should be fun--parties on the Sunken Gardens, lunches at the Cheese Shop--not BIG MEETING, right? I wish everyone in the world had gone to my college and maybe there would be no Friday meetings ever!

What to Wear When You Need to Be Rescued

This morning I awoke to a faint dusting of snow on our deck. This is nothing new. In fact, I can't remember the last time I woke up and didn't see snow/ice/freezing precipitation out there. I got ready and went to work. My car started slipping a bit when I turned to go up the hill where my office is. And then, well, I almost turned a donut in the parking lot here at the office.

Excuse my language ya'll: I fucking hate snow.

This should come as no surprise, because I may have mentioned this once or twice, or you know, 800 times. But my hate grows and festers. And it may be becoming completely unhealthy.

Let's just say that if the Snow family moved to my neighborhood, I would put a flaming bag of poop on the doorstep. And I would TP all their trees and use acid to write the word "BITCH" in their grass.

And while we're on the subject of violent, vitriolic hate, I HATE when people post on Facebook constantly with this kind of crap: "I pink puffy heart the snow! SOOOOO glad my kiddos are home from school! Gonna drink some hot chocolate and snuggle!" "The snow is gorgeous...gonna go take a picture with my Rebel. I LOVE photography...and SNOW!!!" "Yea for snow! Cause we never get snow! It is like Saudi Arabia around here usually, but today we get snow! YEA!" HATE. Put down your instant hot cocoa, Snowbunny, while I beat you with THE SHOVEL I had to use to get my car out this morning.

(Deep breaths. Deep cleansing breaths.)

Anyway, thankfully, I dressed for rescue today:

Riding pants (you know you love them): Merona from Target

Black turtleneck: Merona for Target

Puffy vest: Old Navy

Boots: FRYE Harness 12 Rs

Necklace: American Eagle knockoff fireball (which one of my cousins in law, who used to work at the Crew, thought was totally J.Crew. Score one for cheap little me.)

I wore this outfit for a couple of reasons. A) It is freaking cold, and I like the warmth of the puffy vest because it is socially acceptable to wear at the desk, whereas a coat would just be too much and B) If I am to careen off of the road and die in a ditch somewhere, at least I will be wearing my Frye boots. The rescuers will surely note, "Yes, she was ill-equipped to handle the treacherous road conditions of today, and she should have stayed at home to drink hot chocolate and write smug Facebook status messages. But those are some damn fine boots." And then, they too, will decide that they hate snow and avenge my death by using a lot of aerosol hairspray and driving Hummers to bring about global warming that much faster.

I bought some new make-up last night (and a $10 dress!!!!), and you can see that I am wearing the lipstain today. It is by Revlon--the Just Bitten stain with balm in the color Frenzy. I usually am not a huge fan of the bright lip, but I'm kind of loving this today. I caught a glimpse of my self in the mirror and really, really liked it, which made me feel good on this icky day. The stain itself is a very nice formula--your traditional stain, which can be a bit drying as many of you know, but with a creamy balm attached. Now, I know I could just buy some lipstain (and in fact, I own some forgotten tubes somewhere....) and just layer my Yes To Carrots over the top like a sane person, but I really like that they are attached because it takes up much less room in the ole bag/puffy vest pocket.

I will blog at more length about the make-up and dress purchases of last night later--for the moment, I am going to finish up my work because it seems my employer is sending us home. Yea for short Fridays! Boo for impending death!

Work FAIL

So I had to update all of our materials with my name and email address so the students are not looking for someone who doesn't work here any more. That means, among other things, editing and printing out 500 brochures and placing them in various places around the building. I have been working on it for a considerable amount of time, as it took a while to make sure all the information was correct, update course listings, etc. And then I had to make sure my new email address was up, then the printer wasn't linked to my computer correctly, then...you get the idea. So yesterday I got about 75% of them printed. I was proud of myself. I got the other 25% printed and took them down the hall to the brochure folding machine.

First off, the lady who usually mans it was not there. There was, instead, an older lady who was typing out the longest Facebook message on record just sitting there. She looks at me, at my stack of crap, and then laughs and says, "Good luck." Yeah, ok. I go back. My first batch goes OUTSTANDINGLY. I am amazing. The second batch however, initiates a jam. And not just any jam. The brochure literally rolled itself around the roller and stuck there. It had no edges one could use to pull it out--nothing. And the roller on the side that is supposed to roll the thing out comes off in my hand--the screw is completely gone in the thing. Plus, it makes the most horrible noise I've ever heard. Imagine a large Satanic doberman pinscher trying to explode out of Hell's wooden door. Like that.

So I turn it off. The lady looks up from her Facebook message (complete with photo of her with a man who, I swear, was Wilford Brimley) and says, "You having trouble?" Um, yeah. You could call it that. She sighs and says she'll call IT. Awesome. Fifth day here and I've seen IT everyday. I'm starting to get a reputation. So I do what any sane person would do.

I find a metal hanger, straighten it and try to MacGuyver out this jam. Because when life gives you jams....

The IT guy comes in 10 minutes later to find that I've totally dismantled the brochure folder and am rooting around in it with a cheap hanger. I have about 3/4 of a brochure in my hand and am talking to myself about the other 1/4. I may be saying the words, "Come here you filthy little bugger!" because when I get mad, I automatically turn into Nanny McPhee.

The IT department now has issued an order that any time that I request help, they will wait at least 15 minutes before coming to see how I handle the situation. And they will bring a camera.

I should mention that about 90% of the brochures (not including that first batch that I did that came out perfect) are creased in some weird way so now, all of the brochures are sitting around my office, being straightened with various phone books, supply catalogs and textbooks. It is like I am pressing the carnations of the world's largest homecoming court.

So. I've had my trick. Can I now have my treat?

First Post from My New Office (and WW Wednesday)

I am posting from my desk in my brand new office on my brand new computer! Yea! To be completely honest, this is the first time in my life that I have had my own office. At my first real job post-college, my desk was in a common area in front of my boss's office (I was an executive assistant) and when I moved on, I was at a small tutoring office and had a small desk in a common area and then was on the road a lot working out of my car. At my most recent job, it was even worse. I worked out of the school's library and contained all my stuff (including breast pump) in a Puma gym bag. Now, I have a private office with lots of room for pictures of the kids, my Mark Ellis bobblehead, and the beautiful matroyshka that Matt brought me back from Russia the first time he went. I am still looking for ways to jazz it up a bit. If anyone has any great office decorating ideas, let me know!

The other thing that I am requesting help with is FOOD. On my first day, I was telling some of the ladies that I work with that I am trying to lose weight with WW and hoped that having the new job and new schedule would inspire me to watch my food intake a bit more. They laughed at me and said that this office is some sort of a magnet for bad food. I was a bit chagrinned, but decided to hang tough, packing my lunch happily. But then yesterday, we had pizza for lunch while watching the IT guys work their magic on my work station. And it was GOOD pizza on a perfect chewy crust. So I may have eaten three slices.

And then this morning, I ate my regular oatmeal, but forgot my apple on the dining room table. And my water. I thought I could do without it. But then my stomach started really, really growling. So I got up and went to the vending machine. There is absolutely no even halfway healthy snacks in there. Nothing! I ended up getting some cheddar and sour cream Baked Lays, which were pretty good, but really, really salty. Anyway, I really want to get some good snacks that are healthy and that I can keep in my desk for when the mood/need strikes. So nothing perishable or that I have to prepare. But I don't want things that are full of preservatives or are generally icky. Any suggestions? Please share--I really, really need the help.

I should note that I still haven't changed the batteries in my scale. It has been a crazy, crazy week, let me tell you. But I reminded my husband to buy the batteries this morning, and hopefully he will remember!

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Spotty Posts and Such

So about that meal planning post....

I did plan my meals yesterday, but I didn't get on the computer AT ALL because it was more fun to snuggle with Alice and act as Spell Coach to Gabby and watch an actual halfway decent Lifetime movie. I did make chicken and dumplings and it was delicious. Recipe to follow (someday).

Posting will be somewhat spotty the next couple of days as I work out my schedule with the new job. I will return soon with the regular stuff though, and possibly (fingers crossed) a new feature that will be Awesome. And yes, that should have been capitalized.

So everyone, enjoy your Monday!

Budget Bitch(es)

My husband and I are getting ready to take our kids on a 10 day family vacation. To be honest, this is the first real week long family vacation we have taken that isn't connected to moving or looking at a graduate school. Therefore, we are incredibly, crazily excited, perhaps even more excited than our poor children who have had to listen to us discuss our plans at excruciating length.

Now "planning for a trip" for me includes making a detailed packing list and researching the restaurants that I want to eat at while on the trip. To Matt, however, it includes making a detailed budget on Excel, replete with pie charts and purchasing many things ahead of time so that we are not forced to spend extra money on, say, expensive beverages and ponchos. Twice this week I have met him after work to go to Wal-Mart and Target to buy these things. As I write, I can look over to the side of my living room and see 2 24-packs of water, 1 24-pack of Coke, 1 24-pack of Diet Coke (my guilty, guilty pleasure), a package of swim diapers, four new pairs of aqua shoes, two new memory cards, and 3 full bottles of sunscreen. And that is just a start. Matt is currently at a comic book festival with Sam, carrying around his two lists which are written on index cards for easy access, ready to pounce on anything extra that he could possibly need and that he might find on sale.

I love my husband, and besides that, I really admire him for his ability to do this kind of thing. As I have said before, I am simply wretched with money. Yes, I have gotten better over the years, but I still tend to spend much, much too much. My husband knows when to indulge me, but also knows when to tell me to just can it. I am thankful for that. I often jokingly call him the "Budget Bitch" because of his ability to keep me in line and his even more honed ability to decipher a supermarket price tag.

A little while ago, we were looking at the budget he has created for the trip. Our biggest expense is going to be food, as we are staying in a suite with no kitchen and will thus be eating every meal out (although a full breakfast is free at the hotel). We made a couple of good decisions--using Trader Joe's and our small refrigerator for lunches and cheap picnics--but then I got a couple of great ideas: Restaurant.com and Groupon!

I managed to get 2 $25 gift cards for a Thai restaurant for $4. We all LOVE Thai, and it is incredibly hard to get around our home in the sticks. I checked out the menu, and it looks great, plus it is relatively close to our hotel. SCORE. Then, the other night, I bought a $100 gift certificate to Shabby Apple (clothing, not, er, fruit) for $40 from Groupon. I started checking out the site and found our vacation spot. Sure enough, yesterday they ran a deal for a restaurant that is near a zoo we will be visiting. $25 for a $50 gift certificate. Yes, it is more than $4. BUT...feeding my group for $25 is awesome. I was exceedingly proud of myself, and I believe that my husband was amazed at my abilities. He even called his mother to tell her about what I had done. That night as we were closing everything down, he remarked loudly, "Looks like there are two budget bitches in this house!"

Little does he know that I have one thing in mind: discretionary fund. Matt builds a discretionary fund into all his budgets, and he had already told me that anything we don't spend on food goes straight into that. I am wanting to hit up the bookstore at my alma mater (yup, we are visiting where I went to school) and buy some new gear, as my beloved college sweatshirt is now miles too big and only ok to wear around the house. Plus, there is a new Loft that I am wanting to visit. Ulterior motives, as you see.

So check out groupon.com and check out your city and anywhere you would like to visit. It is a different deal everyday, but you may just find something for a future trip. And restaurant.com is available everyday and right now, $25 gift certificates are $2 with promo code "PLATE".

Vacation (All I've Ever Wanted)

These are some of our family vacation pics from the trip I recently took with my mom. Yeah, I know, no one really likes looking at someone else's trip pictures. But, you know, it's my blog, and well, I can't resist an opportunity to show off some pictures of the kids being their awesome selves.

The funny thing about taking a vacation when you are my age and slightly unhinged (as I probably am) is that it makes you question things in life. I know, I know. I love going to the beach. A lot. It is something that I have done every summer, and a good deal of these trips have been taken at Kure Beach, NC. Kure Beach, to me, is the perfect beach. There is stuff to do in nearby Carolina Beach (a boardwalk, ice cream shops, a few shops, the best frickin' doughnuts you'll ever put in your mouth), but it is quiet enough to where you can go and just enjoy the beach and not feel any pressure to do anything but read and chill on the beach. Thus, I have always kind of thought that someday I would buy a beach house, possibly with my mom. I think I started seriously considering it during this trip--my mom and I looked at some real estate listings and she talked in some detail to the real estate agency where we rented our condo. With as frugal as my husband is and the way that he handles our finances (if I have anything to do with them, we are on a one-way track to Overdraft City), this is something that we could feasibly do, not now, but within a few years.

But then I started thinking about it: I would love to be able to teach and then leave the day after school is out and spend the summer at the beach. That would make me happy. But what about law school? If I do that, obviously we would be much more able to afford a beach house and I would do what I want to do and it would be awesome. But I wouldn't have the luxury of the time off. And although I thought I would be miserable this summer being home all the time, I really have loved it. Lord. Decisions, decisions.

Someday I really want to get to the point where I can do things without having to consider how it affects the rest of my life....

Nine Months In, Nine Months Out

Today my baby was supposed to have her nine month appointment. I say "supposed to" because my son got hit in the mouth with a swing at school, which nearly knocked his front tooth out. This called for an emergency dental appointment, which called for me changing Alice's appointment until next week. Oh well. No sweat on that. When you have three kids, you get used to the rescheduling.

At any rate, though, Alice and I are both at our nine month mark. I had a lot I wanted to accomplish by this point, and I think I've done pretty well. For one thing, I'm still breastfeeding. I didn't really give myself a choice on that one--I was going to do it come hell or high water--but it still amazes me that I've been able to keep at it. Let me tell you, breastfeeding + working at a high school does not equal anything good. Kids are unpredictable, and so are their schedules. And thus so is my job. Finding time to pump and a place to pump and all of that is frustrating, and sometimes impossible. But I'm still at it. Alice is eating solids now (we are doing Baby Led Weaning to some degree--I have given her a bit of spoon fed foods like yogurt so she could get different textures and I think she likes that), so her milk consumption while I am at work has dropped quite a bit. However, she still consumes her normal feedings in the evenings and at night. Thus, we still have our time together. It is so nice to come home and take her in the bedroom after a long day at work and both of us to get comfy under a blanket and just have that time. I love it and wouldn't trade it for the world. And at six weeks, I never thought I would be typing those words.

I have also done AP to some degree, and have been happy with the results. Alice is calm, sleeps well and seems to be developing quickly (if not a bit quicker than my other two). My grandmother and mom do make comments about how much she is held or carried, but to me, the proof is in the pudding. Everyone says that she is the best baby they have ever seen, and yes, I know people just say that, but she really is pretty awesome. She is the perfect baby for our family because as long as I am paying attention to her needs and giving her myself as best I can, she can go and do whatever. For instance, she has attended every softball and t-ball game with me this season (we even have matching shirts--my shirts say "Sam's Mom" and "Gabby's Mom" and hers say "Sam's Sis" and "Gabby's Sis"), and has been perfectly pleased to sit on my lap and cheer. Developmentally, (and this may not be related at all to the AP) she has learned to crawl faster than my other two, and just has an awareness that is, I think, different from what I have observed previously. In short, she is swell.

As for myself, I have met my original weight goal that I made for myself way back when Alice was just a twinkle in my eye. I started as a size 14, and got down to a 12 before I got pregnant (although that first 30 pounds was definitely the hardest!). Then, post pregnancy, I have gone from a 12 to a 4/6. I am pleased with this--I wanted to be a size 6. The only thing that is odd is how I see myself. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window or something and I think, "Where is the rest of me? Is that really me?" and I am pleased. Other times, I think, "This is what I thought I looked like when I was a 12. Am I still a 12? Is it all just vanity sizing?" It is strange. I would really like to lose about 5-10 more pounds and tone up a bit. I have started running, and I really love it. Mostly because I go either with a group of girls in my town or with my Ipod. I need to restart on my abs and upper arms because I have exercises that I like for both, but I keep putting it off. There are not enough hours in the day.

As far as life issues go, things are going well there as well. I am considering going back to law school next semester. However, there are a few things that concern me about the school system where we live, so I am worried about getting myself further into the program before we decide what we do. I've got a couple of months to mull it over, so I will take advantage. If I take another year before going back, I want to get a different job. Nothing against this one--I would just like a change in pace. My position right now is paid for by a grant, so technically it is up next year anyway, although they would like to keep me around and have promised me another position if I am interested. I am currently deciding if I am or not.

And our family is complete. That is a nice feeling, ladies and gentlemen. There is just something about it. I don't know how to describe it. I feel like we have the perfect little team--a Party of Five if you will. Only without Neve Campbell. I never liked her anyway.

SAHM-ishness

My mother in law, who watches Alice while I am at work, and her sister and seemingly everyone in our family is sick. They have some awful fluish bug that causes high temps, throwing up, and other nasty stuff. Ick. So, since there is no one well enough to watch Alice, I have been at home with her the last couple of days. I really shouldn't admit to this, but these last two days are the only days that I have ever been at home alone with her all day since she was a newborn. Usually, the other two kids are here, or my husband is here, or she and I are going somewhere.

And I'll admit--I have absolutely loved being with her. She seems calmer with me here by herself, doing her own thing. We have played a lot and I have snuggled with her a lot. I don't think we've been more than a foot away from each other except when she is asleep. Very AP up in here right now. We took a bath together this morning, which is the first time we have done that. She loved it, but seemed very confused at the beginning. She especially loved the velcro rollers I had in my hair.

But...I am Type A, and I am running out of things to do. Yesterday I did all the laundry, proofread my mom's dissertation, washed the bedding, prepared a meal out of this month's Cooking Light and plated it so that it looked like the picture, and found my son's lost library book. When my husband got home, he asked why I hadn't called him much (he was on the road, and I think wanted some company). I told him it was because I was so busy, and he rolled his eyes. This morning I woke up, looked at the empty laundry basket, and thought...Now what? I got up and did some picking up and made my kid's lunches. Then I literally started looking for stuff to do. I decided to dress us both up today--yesterday Alice just bummed around in a BabyGap t-shirt with Babylegs during the first part of the day, and I just wore a J. Crew boyfriend tissue tee and an Old Navy running skort. Today, she has on a Gymboree romper with a crocheted neckline (so cute!) and I am wearing a white skirt and a ruffle neck t-shirt from Old Navy. I have decided that I will clean out the fridge today, but I can't do it while Alice is asleep because the kitchen is close to the bedroom, and I'm betting I'll make some noise with the dishes (I always do...). The lawn guy is supposed to be here soon, and I am tempted to go outside and clean out a flower bed before then. Hmmm. Or Alice and I could just go sit in our swing and watch him work, plantation style.

But for the time being, I am sitting here, updating a blog that no one reads, eating Triscuits with Laughing Cow cheese and online shopping. I have bought Alice three gently used Hanna Andersson rompers and a ruffled blouse from Spain. I have located a J. Crew cardigan that I missed out on last fall and am waiting for the Paypal address so I can buy it. Something tells me that my frugal husband would be in complete misery if I were a SAHM.

Some people are just not cut out to be SAHMs and I am one of them. I have thought about it a lot the last two days--Alice and I are truly having a great time together, and I wish we could do it everyday. I love her little routine, I love watching her learn and grow. But I think that I could easily drive myself crazy. I am going to be a SAHM this summer once school is out, but then I will have three kids to deal with, and I'll have the school's garden to work on (more on that later), so it will be a little different. Or maybe not. Maybe I'll be crazy then as well.

And ha! I just thought of something I can do. I am making chicken-feta tabbouleh for supper tonight, and I can go ahead and cook the chicken! This will keep me from stopping to buy a rotisserie chicken this afternoon, and just use up some stuff from the freezer. And this will offset some of the purchases I have made! Matt will be very proud of me.

So I am off to do that. And I might make some brownies. Or a loaf of bread. Or all three...

Someday, I am going to teach myself how to do nothing.

First Day of a New Job

Today was my first day at a new job, which you know if you are not blind or not currently suffering from a debilitating disease that prevents you from reading titles. I am working as a mentor/tutor to at-risk youth at a local high school. It is a pretty nice gig all in all--I work while my oldest kids are at school, so I get to use my brain and all of that, but I'm still around a lot to keep Sam in pants and to hear about the daily drama that surrounds my daughter who may or may not emit a loud squeaking sound that only draws tweens with severe personality disorders.

Being a working mom is something that I have always done, save for last year when I stayed home with Sam to get him ready for kindergarten and get us all acclimated back to the east coast after a move from California. I was miserable last year. That does not mean that I think all SAHM's are miserable or should be or anything like that--it is just not for me. To be honest, I was not a good mom when I was a SAHM. I was bored, I was constantly looking for an escape, I was grumpy because I wasn't happy with myself, I was obsessive. Not fun. When I am working, I feel more "together." I am able to accomplish more with less time, and I feel more fulfilled. I manage everything better. Most importantly, I feel better about myself, and I think that bleeds down to the kids.

However, I have a two month old. Being away from her is hard. Really hard. I am an EBF (exclusive breastfeeder for those of you who do not frequent The Bump's message boards--and God love you if you don't), and that just adds a whole new facet to the hardness of the situation. I had to walk in to my new job today (which is at a high school that is literally busting at the seams--there is no room at this school for anything) and ask for a place to pump. That was not cool. Thankfully, the guidance counselor was super awesome and by the end of the day had found me a great spot with a locking door (!) and little to no foot traffic. However, the whole issue of pumping makes me feel awful that I'm not here to do it the old-fashioned way. Alice is not a big fan of the bottle so every time I sat down to pump today I felt this wave of guilt.

But then I got home and my mother in law had picked up the kids and they were so happy and awesome and my mother in law told me that I looked pretty in my work clothes, which strangely made me feel nice. And then I lifted Alice out of her carseat and she just started cooing at me. She sat on my lap and it was just like she was telling me about her day--what she had done, who she had seen. Her eyes were really big and I just felt so thankful at that moment for her and for Gabby and Sam and for the job and for the daily chaos that I so gladly immerse myself into. So yeah, the guilt sucks, but I can deal with it for moments like those. And that's corny and sounds like the cathartic moment in a really bad movie starring Tea Leoni as an overworked mom who finds nirvana in the smile of an infant...sorry about that.

I should go to bed. I'll just be honest and say that the only reason I am typing this is because I wanted to stay up past 10:00. And why? Because I didn't want to seem like an old lady who goes to bed before 10:00. Yes, that's right. I am literally fighting sleep and I feel like absolute crap, but I will not go to sleep. I don't know what the magical thing about 10:00 is. But for some reason that's my line--I absolutely refuse to go to bed before 10 unless I a) have the ful or are b) dead. At least until I can receive some sort of health care benefits from the government. And with my generation's luck, I'll be at least 667 before that happens. Thanks, baby boomers.