Tuesday, May 8, 2012


Bras are tricky, strange little things.  On the one hand, they are the foundation of a garment, the very thing that one's clothes rest on.  They can be pretty, they can be plain, but no matter what, they have to do some function so that one's clothes look better/hang better.  On the other hand, nothing about buying a bra is fun.  It is pretty functional, and there is a lot of pressure, where if you don't buy the right one, you are condemning yourself to extraordinary pain, misshapen, lumpy clothes, and just general unpleasantness.

Therefore, the actual purchasing of bras is something that I put off as long as possible.  As long as I have a couple that are sort of-kind of functioning, I will delay purchasing more.  I know this goes against everything I should do.  The thing is, I don't have a lot of time for shopping.  And I would much rather spend my time ogling pencil skirts and cardigans than wading through underwear racks.  I'm sure it is just a flaw in my upbringing, probably one that also spurned my inability to say no to anything chocolate and need to hurl horrible epithets at members of the Boston Red Sox.

So this last weekend, I went to Memphis to see my mama get her Ph.D. (more on that later).  My mom used to live in Memphis, but doesn't anymore since starting a teaching job in North Carolina.  Therefore, when we arrived, she had friends who were excited to see her.  I had never met them really, but had heard much about them, and they had heard a lot about me (probably of the "My freaking daughter always forgets to change her furnace filters!" variety).  So even though we had never formally met, it was one of those situations where you kinda end up feeling like you know the person.

Which explains why after knowing someone for barely a day, I'm sitting in this lady's kitchen and she whips off her shirt to show me her new bra.

It wasn't as weird as it sounds.  In fact, there was something sweet about it, in a "We're all in this together!" kind of large breasted lady sorority way.  And of course, for better or worse, my interest was piqued.  She explained that it was a Spanx bra and that she loved it and that it was the best thing ever and that I should get one.  And until that point, I had not really considered buying a bra on this trip.  But then, well, I realized what a sad sack of crap my current bras were, and I could really think of nothing else but purchasing a bra.

(Well, except for this.  I thought about that almost exclusively until that wonderful stuff was in mah belly.)

I went to Dillard's to try on the bra, and on the way there, it occurred to me that it might not be the wonderful thing I was building it up to be.  I have a really hard time with bras actually, not only finding one that fits well, but also that doesn't pinch or hurt or grab.  And really, I have tried on and purchased bras that people LOVE only to find out that they do not work for me at all.  This pretty much goes for anything that Victoria's Secret sells (that place can burn in the fiery pits of pink Hell).

But this bra is different, amazingly so.  I heard a choir of angels when I put this thing on.  Plus, I just put it on.  There was no adjusting, no bending over to have my ponderous boobs fall into the thing in just the right way.  I just put it on.  And it was magnificent.  I can't say enough about it.  It is supportive, it looks nice, it disappears under clothes.  It is amazing.

Yesterday, I put it on to ride home.  My mom thought that I looked like I'd lost 5 pounds overnight (I hadn't--do the words "Shoney's breakfast buffet" mean anything to you?).  I discounted that because she's my mom.  Then we got home.  Matt said he could immediately tell the difference.  And when I put on my clothes this morning--total transformation.  I ended up not wearing the shaping cami that I usually wear today because I didn't really need to.  The bra did the work of that thing just on its own.  And I am a whole lot more comfy.

The bad side?  This bra is kinda pricey.  62 smackers seems like a lot to lay down for something that won't be seen by anyone but me, Matt and the random ladies who I show it to in order to convince that they should purchase one too.  I only got two of them, and would like to buy more so that I can get rid of my other bras, which really disgust me at this point (I joked to my mom that I was going to burn the other bras in a massive bonfire, and she nodded sagely and then reminded me not to burn too close to the house).  I am going to try to wait and see, but very well might order another style of the same bra at the end of the week.  Happy Mother's Day to me!  It seems fitting that I should baby my breasts this week since it is kind of a mother-y thing?  The first six weeks of breastfeeding sucks so bad that I feel like I should get to wallpaper my bedroom in Spanx bras just to get a start on paying back my poor, embattled breasts.  AMIRITE?!?

I am linking to the BareNecessities page so you can see all of the fine products Spanx makes to compliment the Bra-llelujah bra.  I have the full-coverage front closure bra, but I was amazed when I got home last night at the sheer amount of products they have--I am especially intrigued by the tankini.

Has anyone tried Spanx bras?  I really can't recommend them enough.  If you have another kind of bra that you think is worth trying, let me know.  I have finally seen the light, bra-wise.  Maybe this is a sign of growing up.  I can't wait until I understand free-form jazz and tax exemptions!

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