Thursday, September 20, 2012

Coming Clean

I am getting divorced.

There I said it. 

I have thought about how to say that on here for months.  As you can probably guess by reading anything that I have written from, say, fourth grade on, I thought of many flowery ways to say it, ways that extolled my continuing admiration for my now ex-husband, ways from a Hollywood publicist's notebook.  And while I do respect my ex husband for his many talents and because he is the father of my children, I refuse to say more than that.  I'm not going to lie to you anymore, nor will I lie to myself.

I don't really like him at the moment.  Cause, see, he tried to break into my house.  And as a general rule, I tend not to really be friendly with people who try to commit criminal offenses against me, my property, and those that I love.  JUST AS A GENERAL RULE.

I understand that this is a shock to many people, as I have done a damn good job of making things look rosy.  Part of you, during a divorce, wants to say that everyone else is unhappy too, that there is no truly happy marriage, that by putting the shellac on your personal pig of a union that you were only playing along.  And that is not true.  Some marriages, as I see it, are really quite lovely.  I wanted mine to be.  I wanted that so hard that I was willing to lie, to my family and to myself, and create a reality that just wasn't there.  I invented jobs that didn't exist, kindness that was nonexistent, a life that wasn't mine.  And I regret it.  I hurt myself enormously, I hurt my children, and I may have even hurt some of you.

My life has not been great during the life of this blog.  I have not had much money, I have scrimped and scraped and paid for a lot of gas with nickels.  I have worked and I have cooked and I have tried to be happy and tried to make others happy and I have failed in many ways.  I will say, however, that this blog allowed me to create a reality that I enjoyed and that got me through the day on some days that I don't think I would have made it through otherwise.

But things are so much better now.  This is not because I am getting divorced--it is because I am taking charge of my own damn life and that of my children.  I have a career now, a wonderful one that makes me nerd out and revel in my own nerdery, and all for the good of an institution that I adore.  I have a neat apartment and all my glasses match.  I have a new macbook named Ignatius who seems to always know when I need to breakdance to Peaches and Cream.  I have a family that loves me and has my back, even at times when, for their own personal good, they should not.  Most amazingly, I have kids who amaze me everyday--this morning, Alice rolled over in bed and said, her damp curls pressed in unruly curly-q's around her head, "Good morning, beautiful mommy!"  TELL ME THAT IS NOT AWESOME. 

And, strangely, I have myself, and I am getting to know me.  I am learning things--I like laying in my bathtub and listening to bluegrass.  I like yoga.  I have a nasty habit of trying to pick fights with people for no real apparent reason other than just because I want to and well, I need to change that one.  And I didn't know any of these things six months ago.

The other thing I am learning is just how important it is not to judge.  I'll admit--I used to judge people who got divorces.  They didn't try hard enough, I would think, they gave up, they wanted a wedding and not a marriage.  But the truth is, you just don't know.  Shit happens.  Wacky shit.  Some of it can be prevented; some of it cannot.  And, as a friend of mine eloquently told me not long ago, life is too short for that shit.  Being happy is kinda important.  And I refuse to judge people who are just trying to find that small degree of happy, even if they are going at it in a way that is totally different from the way I do it.  I am trying to just do me, and not worry about the extraneous opinions and worries.

So, saying all that, and knowing that I am inviting all manner of judgment, because, well, gentle reader, you did not just say that you were feeling less judgemental, in fact, you may indeed be Judgy McJudgerson herself, in which case, you are SORELY judging my misusage of the comma and probably readjusting your pearls and pursing your lips, I will share another important bit o' news.  I have someone new in my life.  A DUDE.  He's calm and responsible and smart and he vaccuums.  He is a little bit of my happy.

And if someone had told me that, had said all this stuff to me about their divorce and new bf and whatever, had laid it all out to me six months ago, I would have rolled my eyes and said something stupid that I had not one damn clue about.  But I have learned, folks, that you can't predict what will happen, and no matter how careful you are, no matter how much distance you try to put between, no matter how you arrange and schedule, some things just don't work on a time table.  And when I look at him, knowing how slow and careful we are and he is especially, cause shit, ya'll, boy is slow like molasses in just about everything, I know that there is something going on that is so, so out of our control. 

And, of course, it helps EVERYTHING that we live a good distance apart.  I FREAKIN HATE SIMPLICITY AND EASE, DON'T YOU?!?!  DIFFICULTY AND STRIFE 4 LYFE.

I am trying to be here.  In the moment.  I am trying to be a better person, a better daughter, a better friend, a better mother.  I don't know where the blog fits into that right now.  But I do know that I got some stories to tell.  And telling them...well, it makes me feel good.  And I've had too much time to not feel good, you know?  So we'll see.  And also...I have come up with some sweet ass outfits to wear to work.  Maybe today not so much.  But in general...yeah.  And seriously?  LEOPARD PRINT HEELS FTW. 

Today, I realized something about myself.  I want a normal life.  A normal guy, normal kids, a normal car, normal dogs, a normal job.  That is not something that I wanted in college, and something I beat myself up for in my dramatic post-college years.  SELLING OUT, I think is what the kids are calling it these days.  But it is something I am ok with now.  And I'm willing to make normal as pretty as I possibly can.

I appreciate you for reading.  Many of you are friends and I love and respect you all.  I hope that you will continue with me on this journey.


  1. I love how this has empowered you.

    You are brave, you are winning, and you are well within your rights. And sometimes when you do something that could seem crazy to the judgy ones, you end up where you need to be. For reference, see my FB pics from the past year or so. (Excluding the bloody toe one.)

  2. Well, then, boogie on, reggae woman. Actually, I guess it's bluegrass woman, no? I heard a great local group recently called the Flying Mules, and of course we have Cumberland Gap in the Lou, too. Excellent stuff, bluegrass, although I don't get in my bathtub much so I don't listen to it there. I'll have to try it. ;-)

    On an unrelated note, I don't know if you're into Dita von Teese, but she's apparently writing a beauty book. This was kind of a fun article; I'm considering doing the Garnier Blue-Black myself!

    I thought you might be interested in the part about Lip-Ink. I'd never heard of it. I can't you do red lipstick? I'm trying to figure out which one I should try. I haven't worn red since my twenties, and I thought maybe I should start again.

    Hugs to you today!