Friday, March 30, 2012

Bright Lips and Me

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. Aliens totally came and abducted me on March 9, and took me to another planet where I had to engage in lots of sick, twisted alien sex and they only brought me back when they couldn't take anymore of my incessant talking and begging for internet access! It was so, so bad, you guys. But the food was actually kind of good, so that's why I've gained four pounds. IT TOTALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE FACT I'VE STARTED CONSIDERING "Dove Chocolate Bar and Diet Coke" A MUST FOR DRIVING HOME. Why would you say that? You just hurt my feelings.

Ok, yeah, whatever. Let's just blame my absence on it being March. March blows. Like for real--there is a proven thing about light or something and how it makes people depressed in March. I read it on the internet, so it is totally true and I could totally go out and eat seven cheeseburgers, kill a drifter, and become a raging Black Eyed Peas fangirl, and everyone would totally be like, "Whatevs! It's March!"

It is, I should say though, hella warm outside. I hope it is for you too, because that helps, you know, with the March-ness of it all. As I write this, it is a perfect 69 degrees outside, and it is 11:15 in the morning. That's awesome. I love it. I am wearing (this kind of makes me feel sexy, telling you what I'm wearing. Is it bad that I sometimes think about taking up phone sex as a career? Like seriously think about it?) a black maxi dress from The Gap that I adore and plan to buy many, many more of, a denim jacket with holes from the J.Crew outlet, a sparkly necklace, and gold gladiator sandals from Lands End Canvas. And I am so feeling the outfit. Is it seasonally appropriate? Probably not. The shoes definitely aren't. But here's the thing--you guys, my 13 year old likes these shoes. She thinks they are pretty. And they are something I picked out. So you understand that I have to wear them all the time, right? And it's a shame that my boss is gone and nobody is really around to see my finery. What is awesome is that I have spent an inordinate amount of time sitting in front of this two-way mirror that separates his office from the common area and putting on lip gloss. And that's where this post comes in.

I have never been a bright lip girl, except for a very brief period when I was around 7 or 8 and became obsessed with Mary Kay Fuchsia cream lipstick. I have always used tawny shades (the recently discontinued Buxom Dolly is a favorite). I like Clinique Black Honey, but even that, when layered a bit too heartily is a bit much for me. When I wear bright lipstick, I always feel it dates me a bit. Like I'm 29 before lipstick, and a solid 52 after. And no one wants 52. Unless they're 55.

But bright lipstick is hot this year, and well, really, it's hot all the damn time. I have always wanted to be the MAC red type girl, who just pulls out a tube of real lipstick (not gloss or anything with a wand) and puts on a creamy, matte stripe of color and rocks it. It's the part of me that will stay 13 forever and worship anything Gwen Stefani-esque. So, I tried. And really, lipstick is a cheap little trick, so you can try them and then become disgusted with yourself and have another--kind of like an order of McDonald's fries or a Kardashian.

First I bought Revlon ColorStay in Top Tomato. I had read a lot about it, and it looked familiar, like a gloss or something. And I'll tell you--people love this stuff. It has a devoted following. I really kind of hate it. First off, sure it adheres to your lips after a little bit. But for that first little while, it gets EVERYWHERE. On your teeth. Around your mouth. The teeth thing, though, is what killed me. Suddenly, I was my fifth grade teacher, Ms. McReynolds, whose husband drove a Mustang and who once gave me a 70 on a science test because someone else cheated off of my paper without my knowledge. I WOULD RATHER LOOK LIKE SADDAM HUSSEIN IS WHAT I AM SAYING. And then, it kind of flakes after that so you end up with it kind of peeling off, which I guess could have been my dry lips and the fact that it was February, but well, let's blame the product because that is easier. I tried to mitigate this by layering Burt's Bees Tinted Lip Balm in Rose over top of it, and really, the color of that combo was really pretty, but there was a bit of hassle there and I am not the one for hassle.

Ok, one more thing about this stuff, and I will advise you not to read this paragraph is you are a) one of my children or b) my mother in law or c) if you have a weak constitution and/or have considered voting for Santorum. The ColorStay side of this does not really hold up to pressure. I wore this on Valentine's Day. I wore it with a black dress and heels and a red cardigan, and I came home and found that my husband had cleaned our house and washed all the diapers, and I'm a woman and the smell of PineSol is a total turn on--I'm not going to front. So within about 15 seconds of me arriving home and realizing that my children were at my MIL's, I wasn't wearing the dress anymore. And maybe I was really happy about the house or whatever and a bit more enthusiastic than say, I would be at the office, but by the time I stopped to check my appearance, I had this stuff up to my hairline. I am not kidding. I looked like a teenage prostitute from a Law and Order episode with Chris Noth in it. Now, I found that really sexy and my husband did too, but yeah, COLORSTAY MY ASS.

Oh and I should mention that my mom told me I looked old in this. MY OWN MOTHER. Fail.

So then I bought L'Oreal Colour Riche Lipstick in British Red. It fit my requirement of being in a little gold tube. I had images of me pulling out this bad boy and being a grown ass woman applying her lipstick and drinking a vodka tonic and having someone murdered. Ok, not really. I drink gin. And really, at times, I like it on me. It is a good, solid, coral red. But the thing is, it's just not me. I can put it on in the morning, feel pretty good about it, and then about halfway through the day I catch a look at myself and all I see is "LIPS" which is a let down because usually I see "BOOBS." I kept justifying it, saying that I should buy some lipliner (I KNOW) or I should be better about reapplying it, or put some gloss on it. But really, it just comes down to the fact that it is not me and I don't like it that much. So I start realizing that not only am I never going to be an Olympic gymnast, now I'm not going to look like Dita von Teese either. FUCK. Pass me that caramel mocha, you guys, cause nothing really matters anymore.

And it smells like my grandmother. Which is a total potshot, but really, you should go sniff a tube.

So I kinda gave up, and thought I would make do with my last tube of Revlon Super Lustrous Lip Gloss in Cherries in the Glow, which may have been discontinued because I can't find it anymore. And I chalked bright lipstick up there with math and the Lord of the Rings novels as things that I will never, ever get to participate in. But then this little beauty walked into my life:

What you are looking at is Mary Kay NouriShine Plus Lip Gloss in Rockin' Red. It is bright. It is color saturated. It is red. And yet, it is a gloss. It is shiny without being sticky, and it makes your lips feel so, so good. I adore it. It makes me feel like my lips are a part of my face again, albeit a brighter, happier part of my face. I think, personally, it is the matte bright lip, but given a spring update. And lest you think that this is the only bright option from Mary Kay, I will also say that the Mango Tango, a very bright orange-y coral is FABULOUS. And the best part? It has no discernible scent at all. I have to say as well that it lasts a lot better than other glosses, although you will want to reapply it because it feels so nice on the lips. You guys? This is a Holy Grail type product. And I don't throw that around lightly.

The other product I have found that gives me the bright lip I want without any of the uncomfortable old lady-ness of a lipstick is Revlon Lip Butter in Lollipop. I read about it on Wardrobe Oxygen, thought I could ignore it, but found myself at Target looking at it and realized that I really had to have it if for no other reason than just to say that I went there. Yeah, bright pink. I OWNED YOU. I wore it with a black and white wrap dress that I got at Old Navy on clearance for $10.94 (!!!), and I loved the look of the bright lip with the pattern. It did not, however, jive with the coral trench coat I wore over the dress that night. So I had to go back to my tawny gloss. And that was kind of an a-ha moment for me, this moment of realizing that clothing and lip gloss can clash and totally screw with a look. OMG, WHO KNEW!?! (Everyone in the world, I would say.) I plan on wearing it a lot more this summer--have already tried it with a neon yellow striped tee that I picked up, and it felt fresh to me. Once again, the formula is rich and nice and kind of luxurious feeling.

So the moral of this whole sad, disjointed story is that a) I spend way too much money on lipgloss and b) My lips are delicate little flowers and must be babied with things like "butters" and "nourishine." I am much, much too soft for a lipstick. And too young. And will remain that way for the foreseeable future.

Stay tuned, my little chicken kievs! I have a bunch more product reviews to do and also, I, at some point, want to really start delving into my very complicated relationship with food because really, I don't understand it, and maybe having four people read about it can shed some light on it. Because the internet provides me therapeutic care as well. Obviously.

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