Monday, June 20, 2011

My baby is better than yours.

Is your baby advanced? Cause mine sure is! Just look at her! Can your baby count to 100? Can she do it by 10's? 20's? Mothereffing 3's? Because mine can do that shit right now. Can yours? No? Well, if she can't, I'd recommend you start filling out that Wal-Mart application for her right now. Because, unlike your kid, my kid is super advanced!

Is your 21 month old potty trained? Because mine sure is! Not only that, she can go to the bathroom, put her own Dora seat down and complete the entire New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle IN PEN before she finishes taking her sweet little baby crap. I don't know what a six letter word meaning "A shower in Paris" means, but I know that the other stuff means that my kid is advanced. And if your kid isn't potty trained by the time he or she turns two, I think we all know that she will never be advanced! Looks like it is a promising career in porn for your kid! Don't cry--I hear that's how Marilyn first got her shot.

My kid likes playing with toys! Did you hear that? Get your jaw off the ground. She can pick up tangible objects and manipulate them in a playing manner! HOLY SHIT YES. That's because she's very, very advanced. Does your child play realistic games, reenacting key battles of the Crimean War in French? No? Um, have you had that kid checked for....developmental delays? No developmental delays here! Do you know why? Because my kid is ADVANCED.

Do you read to your kid? I do! Because my kid is advanced! In fact, I read to her in utero. IN FACT, before she was even conceived, I read to my husband's balls. Every night! And not like those letters to the editor printed in Hustler. I read Tolstoy to my husband's balls. Did you do that? Well, I'm sorry that you are not going to have an advanced child. Maybe she'll let you use her discount at FasMart.

Have you thought about where your child will attend preschool? I'm filling out applications as we speak! I already have a preschool, elementary school, high school, one-on-one high school tutoring, Ivy League university and an awesome internship with NASA lined up for my kid. Do you have that for your kid? No? Who are you? Do you live in Pakistan? Obviously, since your kid is not advanced.

Are you breastfeeding? No? Then I'm sure your kid has scurvy. Or rickets. Or gout. At least that's what I read on the internet! In fact, my (public school attending) breast milk is not even good enough for my advanced child. I have breastmilk flown in from only Ivy League graduates. You know why? Because my kid is advanced! No plebian tit for her!

Stop the presses! My kid just said her colors!!!! In Old Church Slavonic! Can your child say their colors? They can't?!? I speak five languages to my kid. I suppose you only speak English to your child. Maybe you should read this book I read about intelligent people speaking a bunch of languages. Especially French. Because French is so useful.

Is your child advanced? If not, maybe it is not too late for adoption. Maybe you can get a nice Asian family to take her and try to help with the situation. I'm sorry if you don't like that. But that's life if your kid isn't ADVANCED!

Just sayin'!



    Right now there is a pissing contest (har har) in our parenting group about potty training. A kid one month older than Emerson, her parents just listed all their Gdiapers on Freecycle and the group's listserv proclaiming they are 100% potty trained. This weekend chatter at the farmers market was all about their success with potty training, their stash of pull ups, etc.

    Emerson uses her potty as a house for her Dora the Explorer doll. She sat on it once with a bare ass, nothing happened other than our cheering. I guess my child will need to buy stock in Depends because she is forever going to be incontinent as that she is not completely potty trained by age of two!

  2. I just noticed that blogger must have ate the comment I wrote on this earlier. Hrmmm...

    I wrote this thing basically because of potty training. One of my husband's friend's wives (whew) posts on FB ALL THE TIME about how her 13 m.o. is full potty trained. I basically told Matt that I didn't believe her, which he found hilarious for some reason.

    Alice is so not interested in the potty. She is interested in telling you when she is going to do it, but if you try to pick her up to take her to the potty, she runs and screams in the other direction. Whatever though. Sam was almost 3 by the time he fully got it. It was all very harrowing. But he's fine, and my lord do we have some good pee stories to tell on him when he bring that girl home from college!