Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Trapped in the Closet

So I am a big fan of R. Kelly songs and the videos that go along with them. R. Kelly the person...not so much. But the videos! Are there better works of American cinema? I doubt it.

Anyway, I wanted to title this post after an R. Kelly song, but I'm really not trapped in any sort of closet. But I am trapped in the library. I came in here to check my email and then a student teacher/librarian person started doing a presentation. And the only way out is directly across the library, right in front of her. Great. Since I don't want to be the douchebagess who interrupts some poor girl who is giving a truly awful presentation on the Dewey decimal system to a bunch of bored ninth graders, I am stuck here. I figured if I typed something, that would make me look busy. So here I am.

So I am going to lament my lack of pants. I have no work pants that fit, save a pair of Gap denim trousers that I am currently wearing. And I use the term "fit" very generally--they are one size two big, but since they are not two or three sizes too big, they are still in my closet. And I am wearing them. I actually kind of hate them, I think.

Anyway, why do I have no work pants? Well, because I've lost weight, which is an awesome thing, both for aesthetic reasons and health reasons, given that I was born into a family with the genetic predisposition for every horrible disease you can think of. And also because I took the money that I should have spent on pants for work and bought skinny jeans. Yes, folks. Skinny jeans that I can't wear 4 days out of the week.

And yes, before you doubt my intellectual capacities, I do have a bachelor's degree from one of the best public universities in this country. A bachelor's degree that I bet that esteemed university really regrets giving me...

Because you see, I NEEEEEED skinny jeans much, much worse than I need trousers or skirts or even dresses (but I also NEEEED dresses because they are awesome). Why? Because I have three kids. And I have a better body now than I did when I was a senior in high school, thank you Weight Watchers. For the past 10 years, I have been trying to buy things that flattered my zaftig frame. But you know what? Screw it. Are skinny jeans the most flattering,useful thing that I could buy? No. But they are hot. And they fit. And when I am wearing them, all the other mom's who wear their husband's hand me downs talk about me behind my back. And that feels GOOOOOD.

This past weekend, we went to Target and IHOP which qualifies as a date night if you have three kids, one of which just recently acquired the ability to support his/her head. I wore the jeans, along with a cute t-shirt and a cardigan that I got at 3:00 in the morning on Black Friday. All night, my husband was checking out my ass. Even as I took some very gratuitous bites of his gingerbread pancakes. And our 16 year old waiter in IHOP openly flirted with me. My husband thought it all hilarious and left him a $10 tip. But it made me feel wonderful. Truly, truly wonderful.

So I will gladly suffer through the wretched Gap trousers on Tuesday, just for that shining moment on Saturday. Very gladly.

And guess what is currently in my Ann Taylor Loft online bag? Skinny corduroys! With any luck I will be wearing those to work next week!

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